42.

“Where Is The Love?”

What’s wrong with the world, mama
People livin’ like they ain’t got no mamas
I think the whole world’s addicted to the drama
Only attracted to the things that’ll bring a trauma Overseas, yeah, we tryin’ to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin’
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK

But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you’re bound to get irate, yeah

Madness is what you demonstrate
And that’s exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love, this’ll set us straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y’all, y’all

People killin’, people dyin’
Children hurt and you hear them cryin’
Can you practice what you preach?
And would you turn the other cheek?

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
‘Cause people got me, got me questionin’
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love, the love, the love

It just ain’t the same, old ways have changed
New days are strange, is the world insane?
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don’t belong?

Nations droppin’ bombs
Chemical gasses fillin’ lungs of little ones
With ongoin’ sufferin’ as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin’ really gone

So I could ask myself really what is goin’ wrong
In this world that we livin’ in people keep on givin’ in
Makin’ wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin’ each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin’ on but the reason’s undercover

The truth is kept secret, and swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where’s the love, y’all, come on (I don’t know)
Where’s the truth, y’all, come on (I don’t know)
Where’s the love, y’all

People killin’, people dyin’
Children hurt and you hear them cryin’
Can you practice what you preach?
Or would you turn the other cheek?

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
‘Cause people got me, got me questionin’
Where is the love (Love)
Where is the love, the love, the love?

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I’m gettin’ older, y’all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin’
Selfishness got us followin’ the wrong direction

Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema

Yo’, whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality
Instead of spreading love we’re spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity. Where is the love?

That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin’ under
That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin’ down
There’s no wonder why sometimes I’m feelin’ under
Gotta keep my faith alive ’til love is found
Now ask yourself

Father, Father, Father, help us
Send some guidance from above
‘Cause people got me, got me questionin’
Where is the love?

Sing with me y’all
One world, one world (We only got)
One world, one world (That’s all we got)
One world, one world
And something’s wrong with it (Yeah)
Something’s wrong with it (Yeah)
Something’s wrong with the wo-wo-world, yeah
We only got
(One world, one world)
That’s all we got
(One world, one world)

If the Black Eyes Peas got it over a decade ago, what has happened to us? A war is going on for our souls and all we can argue about is wearing masks, trying to claim our piece of the pie, and whether or not the color of a person’s skin or gender gives them more rights than others (The fact that we still or ever needed to have that “discussion” makes me physically ill.), when the greatest conspiracy of all is being overlooked. It’s happening right in front of us. In us and through us and we don’t even see it.

The truth is kept secret, swept under a rug. Father help us! Ask yourself really, what is going on? Where is the love?

“Gotta keep my faith alive til Love is found”

“Love is here. Love is now.”

“I Believe” …

Walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand
Don’t ask any questions and don’t try to understand
Open up your mind and then open up your heart
And you will see that you and me aren’t very far apart’Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the wayViolence is spread worldwide and there are families on the street
And we sell drugs to children now oh why can’t we just see
That all we do is eliminate our future with the things we do today
Money is our incentive now so that makes it okayBut I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the wayI’ve been seeing Lisa now for a little over a year
She said she’s never been so happy but Lisa lives in fear
That one day daddy’s gonna find out she’s in love
With a ****** from the streets
Oh how he would lose it then but she’s still here with me
‘Cause she believes that love will see it through
And one day he’ll understand
And he’ll see me as a person not just a black man’Cause I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
I believe I believe I believe I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Love will find the way
Please love find the way
Please love find the way

Love will find a way. Love IS the way. Make room for more love today. “What the world needs now is love, sweet love. It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of.”

Love died to give you life. He took every stripe knowing that things would be this way here and now. But He did it for YOU. Because He loves you.

“Because You Loved Me”

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I’ll be forever thankful
You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You’re the one who saw me through through it allYou were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’cause you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand, I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I’m grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’cause you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You’ve been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’cause you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ’cause you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

He loves us that much and so much more. Yet we scoff at the poor, the oppressed, the “guilty”, the needy. We tell ourselves that people who don’t fit our narrative are irrelevant and unwanted. People experiencing homelessness don’t deserve your time and attention because “they’re weird”. People in prison don’t deserve your kindness because “they deserve what they got”. We are so caught up in bickering trying to dig our heels in to one side of an argument or another when there are literally millions and millions of people enslaved all over the globe. There are millions of children being raped, neglected, abused, tortured, exploited. Where’s the social media outrage about that? There are people starving to death everywhere right now and we’re scrolling and judging and trying to out wit one another to make ourselves feel better about our stance in things.

Are we serious? How are we sleeping at night? How are we not disgusted with ourselves? “Wake up sleepers!” Let’s all take just a moment to push pause on our own feelings, fears, concerns, agendas, what have you and look at the chaos from a Macroscopic view point. Dr. Seuss warned us about this in The Butter Battle Book, which is now banned in some areas as a satire over the Cold War. It I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to read it. As with the song lyrics above, it’s all relevant.

We’re in a stand off. And if everybody would just put their weapons down and start seeing those they’re pointing at as the brothers and sisters they are, maybe we can get somewhere! Father, pull the scales from our eyes and help us see!

Lord, I rejoice at the miracle that in the midst of us rejecting the very people You call us specifically to love over the small stuff we choose to be distracted by, YOU still love us!! Your grace covers us just the same. Oh how Your thoughts are not our thoughts and Your ways not our ways.

We’re so desperate for Your love and acceptance. So desperate for a purpose, wondering who we’re supposed to be and what we’re supposed to do. The answer is right in front of us and we reject it. We say it’s uncomfortable, not good enough, weird, too hard. Oh God! The war for our souls has us so lost and confused. The truth is staring us in the face and we can’t see it. Help us, Father. And forgive us. Thank you for the revival taking place! You are glorious and wonderful! Thank You for Your Love!

“Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything” … Love. And that’s Deep Thoughts with Cindy. 😉 LiveALIVE Today!

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to these lyrics nor does anything written herein reflect in anyway the thoughts, ideals, or opinions of the original artists/writers, etc. “Where Is The Love?” – Black Eyed Peas “I Believe” – Blessid Union of Souls “Because You Loved Me” – Celine Dion

27. I Didn’t Matter

Warning: I write this from a place of hollowness. A place of intense pain and brokenness. I am shattered. The wounds I’ve been protecting and slowly trying to lick clean are wide open and exposed. I’m in bed and have been all day as my body struggles to recoup from a series of stressful days. I write this because I know there are others out there who have survived childhood trauma and abuse, and if sharing my healing journey can help someone else heal, then here I am, Lord. Send me.

I was listening again to “Another in the Fire” by HillsongUnited and the next song on auto play was one I hadn’t yet heard. “Run to the Father” by Cody Carnes. Wrecked. I have really been struggling with my emotions lately. Easily overwhelmed, glass kinda half empty. Not my usual self. It’s been going on for a while now, at least the past 3 months but maybe going on a year. I can’t be sure. My anxiety level hasn’t been this high since my early 20s. When I’m alone, sometimes I randomly start sobbing. I’ve been struggling to understand what my deal is, but I think it’s starting to become clear.

For over 10 years now I’ve been on the run. I ran away from home and never stopped running. I ran into the arms of my boyfriend, the arms of other families, the arms of friends, the arms of the church, the arms of academia, the arms of corporate success, the arms of entrepreneurship. All the while the only arms I ever needed were around me the whole time. The arms of Jesus.

I thought He looked like all of those things and more. There’s nothing I long for and savor more than being in His presence. But apparently I’ve been hanging onto a whole bunch of crap the entire time as well. I thought I was fine. I was safe from my abusers and very well adjusted for my age and the trauma I’ve been through. I’m a high performer and thrive on achievement. No one suspects the straight A student, the teachers’ pet, the “natural-born leader” has major issues.

No, to survive, I buried them and buried them deep. I learned how to deal, to survive, to hyper compartmentalize. So well in fact that I’d convinced myself that I’m healed. And I am but there’s WAY more healing that needs to take place than I could ever have imagined. And it sucks!

It is nothing short of a miracle that I survived. It took me over a decade to truly be aware of that. Why did it take so long for me to understand just how bad it was for me?

One simple fact: I didn’t matter.

My siblings mattered. My family members mattered. My friends mattered. School mattered. Church mattered. My job and my business mattered. But not me. Jesus matters. God’s children matter. But not me.

I was recently reminded of when the truth that I didn’t matter finally sunk in. I was 10 and we had just moved to Tennessee. About a year later, my grandmother moved back to Florida.

And at Age 11, I realized what all the people who had been abusing me meant by the things they said and the way they treated me. At least when my grandmother was there I had an advocate who reminded me that I was my own person, it was ok to have feelings, and it was not ok to be treated the way I was. But she left. And the family stopped visiting. Stopped calling. So I realized as my Papa backed down the driveway to take her back to Florida, I was truly alone in this world. And it made sense. I didn’t matter and that confirmed it.

But I sucked it up. I wanted to scream and wail, chase after them, and throw myself on top of the car. I didn’t even watch them leave. I listened to the car drive down the gravel. I couldn’t watch because I couldn’t break. I choked it down. I could physically feel my heart ripping in two, but I stood still, solid. They all moved on with their lives and there was a somber acceptance that took over. I couldn’t allow myself to break then because if I had, I don’t think the shattered pieces could have been put back together. I accepted that I didn’t matter, absorbed the pain, and buried it deep – time moved forward.

I was on my own from then on, enduring every horrible thing that came my way at home and at school. And by the grace of God, He saw me through insurmountable circumstances. I’ve never allowed myself to be angry for myself. I’ve always chosen to be grateful I survived and to be grateful for everything I do have. I never grieved because I wasn’t worth grieving over.

Well I’m grieving now and it’s kinda freaking me out. It all started when I did some research on a certain type of trauma situation and it’s definition. I realized my story fit the definition of this circumstance. I took it to my counselor fully expecting she would tell me that it was a bit of a stretch and that I was overanalyzing. Imagine my shock when, as I’m explaining my findings, she’s shaking her head up and down in agreement.

You want to talk about awkward.

“I’m the kinda [girl] who laughs at a funeral. If you can’t understand what I mean, you soon will.”

I’m laughing hysterically at how absurd this whole conversation seems to me. That’s not me. I want to help those people because I grew up telling myself that I should be grateful I wasn’t one of them. I grew up telling myself it could have been worse, and now here I am … one of them. It can’t be true. But it is. I am.

Less.

“He must become greater. I must become less.”

The first half of this year was God leading me on this journey of understanding worth and vulnerability and shame and value. I struggled because I was hoping to think about me LESS this year, not more. So I’ve learned that I have gifts and talents and abilities that matter. I have a voice that matters. I have value and worth that is unconditional. That when the Bible says, “Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.” He means me, specifically me. And He means specifically YOU!

Wait a minute if I matter that much, than the things that happen to me matter. The way people treated me then and the way they treat me now matters. And if I matter, then there was a little girl left all alone – controlled, forced, mistreated, manipulated, forgotten, abandoned, neglected, broken, violated, tortured, used and abused, unloved and unwanted – who deserves someone to mourn for her. Someone to be angry for her. Someone to want justice for her. Someone to care about what happened to her. Why? Because she matters to her Father who ransomed nations in exchange for her life. I’ve mourned at length for my siblings and for other survivors, but never for myself.

And this grieving, this being open and honest and vulnerable, doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t mean I’m holding a grudge. It means I’m healing. He cannot become greater through anything short of my vulnerability and willingness to be broken. Through my complete surrender, not just the parts it’s convenient to give over. But the deep down stuff I don’t even know is there because the damage occurred before I can remember.

What do you need to stop running from? In His lovingkindness He will show you when the time is right? Keep asking, seeking, knocking. Even in the unanswered or delayed answers, He is Love and He is Grace.

There are millions more like me who need someone. We cannot look away from child abuse. No matter how inconvenient and uncomfortable it might be for you, these children have no choice, no way out. I have wasted precious time hiding in the shadows, scared to confront the pain and convincing myself I was fine, and that it didn’t matter because I got free.

I believed with all my heart that God allowed this testimony so that He could use me as a voice of awareness. He is leading me out of the shadows one hard step at a time. I’m not going to beat myself up for being emotional, for struggling. I’m in uncharted territory here. But, I know that I am His and He is mine. And He has me 1000%.

“Don’t participate in the things these people do. For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light! For this light within you produces only what is good and right and true. Carefully determine what pleases the Lord. Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. It is shameful even to talk about the things that ungodly people do in secret. But their evil intentions will be exposed when the light shines on them, for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, “Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.”” Ephesians‬ ‭5:7-14‬ ‭NLT‬‬

There’s Another in the fire, standing next to me, and I run to Him again and again and again and again. It is in this place that I can count it all joy, even if my emotions are telling me otherwise. When He says He will turn mourning into praise and ashes into beauty, He means me. He means YOU!

If you’ve been through trauma, give yourself permission to grieve. Talk to someone who can help you work through it.

I love you! Thank you for reading this. Will you do me a favor, sweet friend? Spend some time in prayer now if you can. Ask God to speak to you, minister to you, move the Spirit in you. Be still and let His healing love flow over you. Allow His truth to wash over any lies of the enemy. His strength to renew you. If you don’t feel like you can or don’t know how, reach out to me or someone you trust and ask them to pray with you.

LiveALIVE Today!

Cindy

Abba, You know this is hard. Thank You.

18. Ready for This Jelly, Now?

I’ve been consistently but excruciatingly slowly losing weight for the passed 3 to 4 years, after I stopped taking a hormone medication that my body treated as a poison. It caused a fast and massive weight gain -twice in my life – before someone listened. Now, side effects to medication is a large portion of my weight gain; however, I do have personal responsibilities in the matter as well. But calories in v. calories out is not true in all cases.

In most cases yes, but there are times when extenuating circumstances prohibit this rule of thumb. This is a conversation I find myself in fairly consistently with people in my family, and people I’ve networked with. And here’s what I’ve learned: 1) Advocate for yourself and your body even when it comes to your doctors. Know your body. Trust your instincts. 2) You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. In fact, often times by trying to be kind, open, and honest, you can inadvertently devalue yourself in the eyes of others.

Hey, I’ll trade shoes with you for a minute and you can tell me about it after you’ve walked a mile in mine. 🤣 That’s right, I’m feeling sassy today! As I said last week, my weight is no one’s business. And anyone who would think less of me for struggling with my weight probably doesn’t need to have influence in my life.

However, I know I’ve been called to this LiveALIVE Movement; and for God to use me to lead this movement, He’s challenged me to be open. That’s why I don’t mind explaining things now. Maybe you’ve been through something similar? However, the more appropriate title for this blog is, Am I Ready? …. YES! I am ready to no longer be ashamed of my body and to no longer be ashamed of who God is creating me to be. Here we go …

The Brass Tacks

This whole thing got started because I had to buy a new bathing suit this year. I could no longer get away with the one I’ve had for the last few years. Yay! #progress!! A few weekends ago (months at this point), my friends wanted to hang out at the pool and I was desperate for some water time! I finally forced myself to shop but I didn’t have time to store hop. So here I am in this fitting room …

I tried on dozens of suit combinations. One pieces and swim dresses were not long enough or supportive enough. If I sized up, my bikini area was exposed because it was too big in the leg whole and my bust was freeform, which presents a different set of struggles.

Tankinis that fit my waist were way too small in the bust. If they fit my bust, they had no support because they were baggy at the waist and loose in the shoulders. In the water for a second and I’d be out of that top.

High cut bikini tops put too much pressure on my shoulders or I couldn’t get them tight enough to hold me in. But regular bikini tops show my back fat which I loathe. Is anyone reading this nodding her head like, “Girl, I so feel you right now.”?

High wasted bottoms cover my jiggly belly, but highlight my chunky thighs. Boyshorts cover my chunky thighs but expose my jiggly belly. Not even mentioning the fact that I’m amazingly pale/translucent; tend to have a purple palor to my skin because of Raynaud’s and all the comments and questions I receive about that. 😆😆😆 I get it, people are curious about oddities.

So, I finally found one that covered my biggest insecurities: supporting my bust and flattering my belly. But that meant back boobs and cottage cheese thighs. I looked at myself and said, “I am where I am by the choices I’ve made or allowed others to make for me.” Am I going to continue to hate my body and feel ashamed of the way I look? Am I going to allow all the junk from my past, the junk in my trunk, and the creepy old men I’ve dealt with keep me from living a joy-filled, glorious water-loving life?

HECK. NO. I’M DONE. Glory to God and Bye Felicia to the drama and the trap of it all. That’s the weight I need to drop more than anything! I’ve always been somewhere in between hating my body for being fat and hating my body for being “sexy.” (see previous post for clarification.)

So Long

I almost said forget it and left without a suit. I was standing there, staring at the woman in the mirror thinking, “Here we are, sister. This is your body like it or not.” Not too long ago I would have said, “You’re pathetic. I hate you.” But just before I gave way to a full on spiral of despair and anxiety, it hit me. I felt The Holy Spirit well up inside me with power, intention, freedom, and love. Like it did when I wrote 6. Fat Thighs, Flabby Arms.

I can no longer live like this. I meet with dozens of women every month and tell them to love themselves for who they are where they are because their Heavenly Father does! And here I am, hiding and ashamed in a fitting room feeling sorry for myself. ENOUGH ALREADY!!

I have fought so hard to stay hidden, to make others feel more comfortable, and to protect myself from scrutiny. I’m done. I am not encouraging anyone to borrow the strength I am trying to impart and begin posting provocative photos of themselves for the sake of female empowerment.

Ladies, you know the difference for yourself. And if you don’t, ask The Holy Spirit for guidance. Jesus knows I have to lean on Him or I wouldn’t post anything. It pains me that part of my testimony is living out loud, but I have walk the talk. We lead best by example.

Side Note: I originally wrote this in a moment of fearlessness. The moment passed, and after months of living in fear to share this post, God placed 2 sisters in Christ in my path the same weekend who unknowingly said what God needed me to hear to move forward.

In the dressing room, instead of speaking hate, I began speaking to my broken and ashamed younger self the way that I needed someone then to speak to me:

Little girl, you were not assaulted or harassed because you did anything wrong. You did not temp them into harming you.

See, I Am Doing A New Thing (Is. 43:19)

In high school I engaged in sexually provocative banter with the guys because it got me what at the time felt like positive attention. At least I wasn’t being bullied by them anymore. They thought I was cool and funny. I was oblivious until late junior year that I had developed a false reputation and had vicious rumors spread about me.

Until that moment, for me it was all talk and joking. I didn’t understand that they were all serious. I didn’t realize that turning down sex with insecure little boys would result in them making up stories about encounters that never happened. I wouldn’t do that to someone and I was naive to expect the same in kind. However, it wasn’t my fault that my boyfriend took me to the lake just to put his hand down my bathing suit and then began to stand me up after that because I stopped him.

It’s not my fault that, as a virgin, another boyfriend’s brother blamed me for something he did in order to hide his sexual identity. It’s not my fault that when walking down the road with my guy friends on a field trip, a man in a pickup truck almost caused a horrific accident because he was cat-calling me and not watching the road.

It’s not my fault that a trusted instructor looked my body up and down in a dress that made me feel beautiful and said, “you know what you’re doing.” It took me years to understand what he meant by that and when the realization struck I turned to ice. It’s not my fault that another teacher ousted me from my position of leadership in a certain club because of my gender.

It’s not my fault that all these years later a man decides that my kind and friendly demeanor means he can put his hands on me and then lie about it. And for the greater good I had to keep silent. This is just the tip of the iceberg to the shame I’ve endured. And I know I’m am far from alone. One day, God may lead me to reveal more. Baby steps. But all of these things and much more taught me that I was only worth what others could use me for.

That was the story of my life. Praise you, Jesus, I am a new creation! I’m not that girl anymore. Those trials created in me a warrior ready to do battle for all those little girls just like me who grew up being taught that their value was in anything but Christ alone!

The BIG Reveal

Countless similar stories have been shared with me by men and women of all shapes and demographics. And ALL of these things are raging through my head in this dressing room. Back and forth between power and shame. Wishing I looked the way I did a decade ago for my husband (who finds me just as attractive now, and I put that pressure on myself), but thankful that at least some men are deterred by my weight. Which makes me want to hold onto it. And deeply sad for myself and others like me.

STOP!! JUST STOP. I’m not going to let this fear and self-judgement be a stronghold anymore. We were not created for double-minded, anxiety and fear driven doubt filled thinking! We are created for everything that is good and lovely, strong, and sound. Leading others to LiveALIVE means living out loud and that is terrifying. But Ready or Not, here I am in all my lumpy bumpy glory. A work in progress and a survivor. I will continue to walk by faith. #thisisme

You may not care 2 hoots about me sharing this picture, but for me it is a huge deal! You may think I’m crazy and not see any of the flaws I see, but isn’t that just how we are to ourselves?

Ladies, allow God into every nook and cranny of the lies you believe about yourself. Love Him and He will teach you how to love yourself. He surrendered to the holes in His hands, feet, and side to fill the ones in you. You are beautiful. You are loved. Every hair on your head to atom of your being.

Holy Spirit, rain down on the woman reading this right now. Open her heart to your uncovering. Help her to loosen the grip and then release the lies she’s held onto. Replace those lies with Your Living Word. Breathe Your Life into her. Grow her desire to know You more, to love You more. Take her deeper, Jesus. Baptize her in Your love. Saturate every part of her, cleaning it and making it whole. Remove the weight of shame. Remove the fear and the doubt. Replace it with a spirit of boldness and the weightlessness of your freedom. She is Yours and I’m so thankful for her. I’m thankful for her heart. God, thank you for choosing to create her. She is a masterpiece of Your design. Help her find her next step of Victory. Help us all to LiveALIVE! In Jesus name, I pray. Amen!

LiveALIVE Today,

Cindy

Thank you, Bethany, for taking this photo and encouraging me to love the woman in the mirror for who she is right now.

17. You’re Not Ready For This Jelly

If “it ain’t over til the fat lady sings,” consider this my song. Put a fork in me, I’m done!

Inspo for this post: I had to buy a new swim suit. 🥵 Swimsuit shopping is rarely a pleasant experience for any woman. I’ve not felt fully confident wearing one since the summer after 4th grade. Believe it or not, I was a late bloomer, and struggled with body image issues from a very young age.

Through this whole swim suit shopping experience very tough thoughts and memories came up; and I duked it out with Shame and the fitting room mirror through 12 different suits.

Where did the body shaming start?

As I covered in a previous blog, 9. The Shame Game: I’ve Had Enough, shame can set in as young as 15 months old. Well, as a youngin’ I did a couple of pageants and went to some modeling calls, so looks have always been a thing. Since I can remember I have been objectified both in mind and in body, and as a teen I didn’t realize the weapon and the curse that could come with this new, curvy body.

As my body developed, observations and comments were shared publicly both by family members and children at school. There was no escape from the teasing. No 14 year old truly understands sexiness, but I learned quickly. In high school, I learned “If you can’t beat them, join them.”

Guys we’re going to gawk. Girls were going to gossip. Let’s give them something to talk about then, because at least the attention isn’t all “negative.” It’s how I found a place. Found a way to “protect” myself and to feel like I had even an ounce of control. I was already objectified by others, why not objectify myself.

Even starving myself for years I was still curvy. I’m tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and rosy-cheeked. Bouncy and bubbly. The “perfect hourglass”. Go ahead and eye roll. A lady at a clothing store did the other day. I’m used to it, as I’m sure many of you reading this have experienced an eye roll from someone about your body. “Oh poor you,” right?

Can we just stop rolling our eyes at each other for the way we feel?! If your body has been overly sexualized from a young age, you’d probably resent it a little, too. I’m learning to be comfortable in my own skin, and praying to be used as an encouragement to others.

Though I am aware of the opinions, good and bad, about my looks, I struggle to see myself as attractive. I find that most women struggle! I don’t like when people stare because I feel exposed. I’m not worried about the way others look or how they dress. I just want to look and feel my best, but because society has overly sexualized a curvy figure I feel stuck.

If I wear things that fit well, I feel like I’m flaunting and people are staring. If I wear baggier things, I feel frumpy and heavier, not my best, but at least no one’s looking at me. 🤷‍♀️ Ugh! When will I stop caring?! 🙄🤔😅

When Will It End?

The truth is no matter what, humans will be humans. I can’t control what others think and do as much as I would like to think I can, especially when it comes to what they think about me. Apparently, God created me to stand out, as reluctant as I’ve been. Thankfully I now desire to do so in a way that honors Him! Lord, I praise you for the transformation! Please continue to guide me!

Honoring my body as a Temple of The Holy Spirit and not being ashamed over what God gave me, isn’t easy. Anyone else feel that? Creepers will creep and judgers will judge. That is a universal culture, unfortunate as it may be.

I just had to block a creeper from my Instagram the other day in fact. I have hated my body for far too long. Hated it for being “sexy.” Hated it for being fat. Hated it for being broken down. Hated even my face.

I’m serious. In middle school, a boy called me a “butterface” on the bus. I didn’t know what it meant. I had to ask and received a shock. A young girl with healthy self esteem would have recognized that boy was way out of line, as inappropriate and hurtful as it is regardless. For me, however, it furthered the lie that I am an object up for discussion and amusement of others, and it meant that even my face was ugly. I can hide many things, but my face isn’t one of them.

In a year or so I’d grow out of the awkward middle school look. From then on it was accusations of looking too sexy. Even now, when Mike is helping me pick images for my social media, he lovingly points out the ones where I look “too sexy”. I appreciate him for it but it’s frustrating because in no way am I channeling “Bedroom Eyes” for my pictures. THAT’S JUST MY FACE. 😰😳🥺

Maybe like some are said to have RBF others have RSF? 🤷‍♀️ Seriously, in college when I’d take group pics with friends and I would be trying to make a funny face that didn’t look ugly (because I’m really good at making ugly faces), I would get asked why I was trying to look sexy. True story. Kinda feels like you can’t win, huh?

How does this relate to swim suit shopping?

All of this culminates in my head in this fitting room. Part 2 brings it all together for the big reveal! Baddum-chi! As I rewrite this for the 5th time over the span of this entire summer, my church is doing a series called Mind Monsters. This first part is laying the foundation for the battle God won for me about my body on a Sunday afternoon in a superstore fitting room. I know He wants to do the same for you!

But one last thing before next week, and I promise it’s relevant: it’s really none of anyone’s business why I’m overweight. To the older gentlemen I know who have talked to me about my weight, I appreciate your “concern” for my “wellbeing”, and I’m so sorry that the only thing keeping me from fulfilling your Perfect Woman Fantasy is my weight.

I’ll get right on that. 🙄🤢 Or who constantly liked to point out how attractive I am but just not his type. What gives you the right or the gumption?! #married #youreoldenoughtobemygrandfather #yourenothughhefnerandimnotaplayboybunny #eww 😠🤮 (Yea, sis, the creeper saga never really ended. But I have changed.) Baby’s stepping out of the corner and she’s gonna dance!

Poolside at The Adolphus in Dallas. The 1st time I wore this swimsuit in public without a coverup. Stay tuned for next week’s post. 💗

This is not for you, gentlemen. Count to Jesus and be grateful for the women who put up with your sorry behinds. No, this is for all the women, thick and thin, who have ever felt ashamed of the temple God gave you! Who have ever been teased, harassed, or worse. Who ever struggled to love the woman in the mirror because she couldn’t stop staring at what she wishes she could look like instead. Until next week my beauty-full, power-full, purpose-full sisters!!

Father, thank you for your healing. Thank you for your Holiness and Wholeness. Thank you for this voice and this platform. Thank you these readers. I’ve come a long way in the body image issues and the allowing poorly chosen and ill-meaning words of others to effect me, and I’m much better at guarding and defending myself. It’s all because of Your Holy Spirit and the truth of Your Word! Allow this to inspire, entertain, encourage, and empower anyone who reads it. Convict and uplift us to let go of the weight of the past and look to You! Help us to love ourselves the way you love us. In Christ’s name, I pray. Amen!

See you next week!

LiveALIVE Today!

Cindy