26. i didn’t know how to be broken

I didn’t know how to be broken. 

 

Cindy, what an odd statement. What do you mean, “I didn’t know how to be broken?”

 

Well, you see, I wasn’t allowed to feel negative emotions. My feelings weren’t allowed to be hurt. I wasn’t allowed to be angry, sad, scared, confused. I wasn’t allowed to have questions about anything, especially the word, actions, and decisions of those in authority. 

 

As someone who was constantly told that she is weak, a cry baby, a liar, an exaggerator, and a sympathy seeker, you grow up to be afraid to be seen as weak by anyone. Afraid to draw attention, afraid to question things. You learn to keep it together at ALL times, including in the presence of your Heavenly Father, and ESPECIALLY around those you lead or have influence with. 

 

At my core, The Holy Spirit never allowed me to fully receive those lies (Praise God!), but nevertheless those lies left their mark. I was probably treated that way because crap rolls downhill, and somewhere along the way in their own lives they were taught the same. Sometimes people find that when they’re not willing to confront their junk, they project it onto others. Oddly enough, everyone else could express their emotions, though, just not me. 

 

Come to think of it, I wasn’t allowed to be excited about anything either, because that would make them mad, too. One year at Thanksgiving Dinner, we went around the table to say what we were thankful for. Every one of my siblings said our parents, family, etc. Since that point was well-covered and I presumed a given, I wanted to acknowledge something different. I said I was thankful for the beautiful Fall weather, changing leaves, and music – or something to that effect.

 

Yeah, that went over like a fart in church and the remainder of our feast was spent listening to a barrage of everything that was wrong with me and how ungrateful and selfish I am. I never said I wasn’t thankful for family, I was simply trying to diversify the conversation. I couldn’t articulate that at the time either; I was startled by the uproar it caused and my brain went into survival mode. Because I stepped outside what they wanted to hear, I was punished. I had to clean up after dinner as always while the family watch a movie together; and then I had to go to my room and think about how blessed I was to have a family and parents. 

 

I don’t know how to be broken because I had to build so many walls to survive, I’m still allowing The Lord to uncover them and take them down. And yes I say allowing, because in His love, He does not force. Sometimes walls come down with a wrecking ball, sometimes Jesus removes them brick by brick. Truthfully, God created me to be sensitive. It’s a fact that I myself have resented. Until recently, I would get defensive or annoyed if anyone were to acknowledge that I’m a sensitive person. (Go figure the sensitive person would be sensitive to being called sensitive. HAHA!) “No, sensitive is weak. I’m not weak.”

 

Sensitivity it NOT a weakness. I do not need a thicker skin, I believe it’s thick enough to have weathered all it has. I do not need to toughen up. I wake up every day (or most days) with a smile despite the level of pain and fatigue I may be experiencing. Not tooting my horn here, it’s just the deal. And He is worthy to be praised for it!

 

Sensitive, but not broken. I cannot break. I will not break. I refuse. But what if what I’ve been refusing to do is the very thing that sets me free to a higher level? Oh, sovereign God, how marvelous and wondrous are Your ways! But I don’t know how to break. I’ve spent my whole life “unbreakable.” If I break now, could the pieces ever be restored? Isn’t that the very nature of God and His Love for us? And, oh, how He Loves us so!

The older I get, the more I realize that we as human beings are ALL sensitive. We may be sensitive to different things or have different ways we express our sensitivity. If you know me, imagine if I weren’t created to be sensitive? I’ve tried and what I find is scary. I don’t like that girl. She’s scary. Every ounce of harshness I’ve experienced has made me hard, cold, detached, hateful or even numb. I’d be distrusting of everything, unable to build relationships. Nope, not for me. I couldn’t bare it. If that means my heart must bleed, let it be so. 

 

Next week, I’m going to post an extremely vulnerable message from the midst of true brokenness. I’m writing this one after, but I’m posting first because I feel lead to. Not sure I could accurately communicate the reason other than His leading. 

 

An important thing I’ve had to learn about myself is that when I do come forward with a grievance, it’s serious. There’s so much that I don’t allow to affect me. (I could write a book on enduring the cruelty of mankind.) But the truth is, it does affect me. I’m so good at hiding it, I don’t even realize it has. So if I come forward with an issue, you better believe that something is serious. It’s normally so serious in fact that I’m dismissed because others don’t want to take the time to deal with the issue. Maybe because it’s too difficult, the solution isn’t obvious, or it would take too much time. 

 

Quite possibly the same reasons I didn’t know how to be broken. It’s easier to dismiss me. I get it. I dismiss myself all the time. I ask again, what if what we’ve been refusing to do is the very thing that sets us free to a higher level? 

I had coffee with a beautiful friend and fellow survivor today. She said something so profound: because of the trauma she’d been through she’d convinced herself that she was exempt from any more pain. But oh, what a mistake! She acknowledged it’s in the middle of our pain that God can move most! 

 

I felt that and added, if life is without struggle there is no movement, no growth. It’s true for me as well. I thought my testimony ended with my childhood and my adulthood would be wonderfully filled with freedom, weightlessness, and advocacy. God would use me to help others experience victory, but that I would finally be pain free! The audacity!

 

Here’s the beauty of our God. My whole life I’ve dealt with illness, chronic pain and fatigue. I experienced slight relief from pain as a teen and then it resurfaced with a vengeance in adulthood. Until a few weeks ago, there were only 2 times in my adult life I’ve been confronted with my brokenness, for realsies. 1) When I broke up with Mike. 2) When the doctors were concerned that I might be dying and gently told us to get my affairs in order just in case. But on the midst of the most emotionally painful day of my adult life and scariest moment of my adult life, God showed up in the biggest ways. 

 

From physically picking me up off the floor and rocking me back and forth when I literally had nothing and no one, to using the His strength and faithfulness through me to be a light amid “the valley of the shadow of death.” Greater Purpose. Because of Christ our weakness is strength! Daily I see the evidence of His greater purpose. He created all things and is in all things. “Matter can neither be created nor destroyed” because He is indestructible. 

 

I’ve always been drawn to found and mixed media art. I love to see how something abandon, broken, discarded can be designed, restored, repurposed. To me, that’s the best kind of workmanship and artistry. A representation and reflection of a Mighty God and Loving Father who takes our beautifully broken pieces and crafts a unique and purposeful masterpiece. Nothing is wasted. Nothing returns void. “For I know that my Redeemer lives!” And “piece by piece He collected me up off the ground where you abandon things.” (Thank you, Kelly Clarkson!)

 

Dear Heart, don’t hide your broken pieces from yourself or from your Father. Find a safe place where it’s ok to be broken and work through your brokenness. He loves you more than anyone could comprehend, and He has purpose in you through even the most painful of circumstances – particularly then! He may allow you to mourn, for longer than you’d like even, but there is love and purposefulness amid your suffering. Praise Him even when you don’t feel Him near. Lean into Him even if you feel distant. He is there. He never leaves you.

~

Holy Spirit, bring Your Fire from our bellies. Release the captives and expose our brokenness in Your timing. Send a community to surround us and to love us as we deal. You did not design us to be alone in our suffering, but to bear with one another. Love endures all things. Help us to love one another through our junk. Help us create an atmosphere where it’s okay not to be ok. Help us to see, Lord. Give us your heart. Let the walls come down. Let health be restored, hearts be mended, the broken remade. In Jesus’ precious name I pray, Amen.

LiveALIVE Today!

Cindy