51. 7 Ways to Build Wealth, Broke

Broke is a mindset. You heard me. And I’m not writing this from a place of, “I’m rolling in it, so listen to me.” I’m writing this as someone who still isn’t where she wants to be but she’s been through financial hell and back again. I’ve learned ALOT along the way, and I was thinking I might share some tips and tricks I’ve picked up over the years.

Just for some (hopefully relatable) background, I started out in the financial world with terrible credit and I’d personally never even applied for a credit card. Somehow I started out on the wrong side. I have a pretty good guess as to how that happened, but figured it out far too late to really do anything about it. I couldn’t even get a Walmart store card. Yes… you heard me again. That’s how bad it was. To make matters worse, I didn’t know how bank accounts worked or how to write a check. I was judged, overlooked, scoffed at, and taken advantage of as a result.

When it came time to buy my first car, even though I had a sizable downpayment, the only lender who would work with me offered me a 19% interest rate. Yes, you heard me that time too. 😆 But you know what I did know? I did know that I want to become independently wealthy, that I enjoy figuring out ways to increase my income. I may not have been able to write a proper check, but I did know about making investments and saving money. Not just the physical act of putting money in savings, but actually how to cut costs and wise investments versus unwise investments.

So it was really rocky at first but then I got my first big girl job, and immediately did all of the right things. Savings, investments, etc. I intentionally lived below my means in order to build wealth (when I wasn’t busy over-investing in friends and family😘). But then I took a huge leap of faith, to focus on my own business and leave my corporate job. It was time. (Mike can tell you all his crazy financial mishaps if he wants to. 🤪😘)

Little did my husband and I know, but that was the beginning of a 5-year long spiritual attack on our finances and everything else. At one point we were living on my part time income only, over 15k+ in debt from medical bills and bad advice, with both cars broken down, and me in and out of the hospital due to medical mysteries. It felt like a never-ending nightmare. We started to become paranoid to trust a season of less difficulty because another shoe was bound to drop. But we had hope, good people on our side, and we refused to give in to a scarcity mindset – though at times it was hard not to.

Fast forward to the present, my husband and I own 2 cars and have owned our first home for 3 years now. We’re also virtually debt free! In the 3 years we’ve owned our home we’ve seen the property value increase exponentially, and as soon as we finish our improvements, ooo boy, mama goose and papa penguin are excited! And we are both very happy and growing in our careers. Praise The Lord for His provision and favor! He deserves all the praise!

Here are 7 ways Mike and I continued with an abundance, wealth-building mindset through it all:

1. We stay the course. I cannot tell you how many times the temptation to return to the 9-5 life took hold of me in moments of struggle and doubt. “Did I hear you, Lord? Did I make the right decision?” Each time I asked, I was met with a very solid, “Stay the course. Trust in me.” God always provided. And in so many wonderful and unexpected ways that neither we, nor anyone else, could really take the credit. So we committed to follow one course until successful. I could write a whole other blog on the blessings, of our own and for others, which have occurred because we stayed the course. You can’t put a price tag on that.

We knew that sacrificing the time and energy of building the ministry God called me to would not be worth it in the end. It would only set us back. Don’t get me wrong, I earn a great income, but it was uncomfortable trusting God in those hard times. Oh, how we’ve grown because we did.

2. We remain grateful. Oh, don’t get me wrong, there were definitely moments where we were anything but grateful. Moments where we have in to the frustration, overwhelm, fear, etc. but in the end, we chose to defer to grateful. We recognize that work is a privilege, and we enjoy it. We’re not shy about hard work. We focus on all that we do have. We focus on being good stewards of what we’ve been given. You’d be shocked at the money you will save when your learn to be grateful for what you have. And through the attitude of gratitude, it’s so cool how we are able to give generously as well.

Gratitude also allows us to be gracious receivers. If you’re like me, the idea of a handout makes my skin crawl. I’d rather starve than have someone feel sorry for me. (I know that’s dramatic, but God is working on me.) It brings others joy to help when they feel lead and we enjoy finding ways to repay that generosity. Where I come from, there’s no such thing as a gift. Everything had a price. Humbling myself and being willing to let others in and let them bless me has been super tough. It’s taught me a great deal though. We never expect anything, and instill struggle a little accepting generosity, but God has a way of surprising us.

3. We have mentors we trust. There are a lot of selfish, greedy, dishonest people out there who’s only aim is for their own benefit. When you’re starting out and don’t have a clue and there’s no one to guide you (that was me), you’re vulnerable and easy prey for the dishonorable. But I didn’t give up. I would cut my losses and search for people I could trust. People who’s values match my own, people who have a passion for what they do because they see the value in how they help others.

Yes, we’re in business to make money, but many entrepreneurs and business people choose their professions because they find fulfillment in adding value to others. Now, we have a team of trusted advisors and professionals who we couldn’t appreciate more! They help us diversify.

4. We review our budget. Mike and I review our budget almost weekly to make sure that what’s going out is working for us to provide for our needs and goals. If something’s not working we adjust. Communication is vital. It was a frustrating process as we worked through this piece. We have different ways of thinking about finances. We had to be very patient with each other; we learned not to point fingers and quickly own our mistakes. We set aside intentional time in our schedule to do this.

We also talk with our providers and ask questions for better understanding. We express our objectives so that our providers better understand what we’re aiming for. That’s lead us to make some pretty cool moves with different policies to set us up for greater abundance. We do not have all our eggs in one basket, and not only look for ways to save money, but also ways to earn.

5. We avoid the unnecessary. All work and no fun make Mike and Cindy dull kids. But, we have made sacrifices to free up room in our budget. We almost refuse to pay for any subscriptions to anything period. But we still leave room for our hobbies and date nights etc. Mike is the spender and I’m the saver. We’ve learned the merits of both and have found a good balance.

We’ve learned to be DIYers where we can, and are wise about where we can’t. If you don’t need to pay for it don’t, but this is highly subjective. Be careful. We think before we purchase. Is it something we need? Is it something we will use? Do we have something similar already? Will we regret it let if we do/do not purchase it?

6. We’re savvy shoppers. With my health struggles and Mike’s aversion to running lots of errands, we’ve developed some great systems to help us save time and money when we’re shopping for things like groceries. It’s become sort of a game that we strategize and celebrate our effectiveness and efficiency. I’ll leave this one brief as I think it’s best suited for a post of its own at some point.

7. We practice grace. I have wasted way too much time and energy beating myself up for an embarrassing number of things that I probably couldn’t control as much I believed I could. Mike has really helped me big on this one. Sometimes we miscommunicate or miscalculate. Sometimes we don’t reach the goal by our elected deadline. One example is in our investments accounts. It took Mike a while to come back around to this because he was badly burned by an investor. Where we both started strong in this area, through life and unforeseeable mishaps, we basically had to start over. And when we did, we had to start much smaller.

But the win here is that we started. A small start is better than no start at all. And if you fall of the horse, don’t quit, get back on. And to look at where we are now through all of that, I’m overwhelmed. Good things can take time, but are well worth the wait.

There you have it. With these tools in place, it’s amazing to see how far we’ve come from the kids we were when we started out. What tips and tricks have you learned or developed for money management? I’d love to hear from you!

LiveALIVE Today,

Cindy

Heavenly Father, you are wise beyond measure. You know all the secrets. Yet like a good parent, instead of handing them to us, You work with us we we can learn for ourselves. Things stick Bette that way and we appreciate them so much more. God, I thank You for all the people in our life who have helped us be it through their generosity or their wise counsel. I thank You for those who took advantage of us, for You used them to teach us. Lord, would you bless them all. Thank You, Lord, for extending Your hand of favor of each person reading this blog. May they find a 100-fold harvest from their efforts. May they find people they can trust who can help them. Give us eyes to see, expand our capacity and creativity. Thank You that You have placed opportunities all around. Oh how You love to bless Your children. Father, forgive me for taking You for granted. Forgive me for lacking gratitude. Forgive me for anytime I’ve hardened my heart to generosity, either giving or receiving. Fill me and all those reading with a mindset of abundance and gratitude. In Jesus name, I thank You for these things. Amen

44. Dear Me. Dear Church.

When I titled the last post “The Real Me. My real Dream,” it was not to imply that I have been disingenuous in any way. When I first began attending a church, several things were said to me the trajectory of which shaped the better part of a decade. I wanted so badly to find a home and a family that I was vulnerable. I don’t blame those who said what they said/did what they did. They had no way of knowing that I didn’t have the tools to filter out which messages I needed to receive and which I needed to throw out. I did t even know. I’ve always been me I just haven’t believed in myself, always looking to others for validation.

This is common for child abuse survivors, as I’ve learned recently. I’ve been susceptible to people in positions of authority or influence, blindly following their guidance unless I already knew it was outright wrong. When you’re looking for a place to belong believing that you have nothing to offer but everything to learn, it’s the perfect set up. It seems so silly that the opinions of people who were just babies themselves could have such a significant impact. You as the reader may even feel that I was foolish. Fair enough. But in grace I know it wasn’t foolish, naive for sure, but not foolish.

I honestly didn’t know any better and had no one to tell me otherwise. I completely discounted the power of The Holy Spirit within me, completely discounted how my life experiences had molded my strengths and God-gifted wisdom. I only saw my weaknesses and flaws, and I spent hours in prayer asking for forgiveness for things that weren’t even mine to repent. Why?

They were treating me the same way that bosses, coworkers, friends, etc. had always treated me, so I began to believe that I really was the problem. And I brought that same pattern of belief with me into my Mary Kay career. However, I regret nothing. No time has been wasted because my God promises to redeem the time and to work all things for my good. I’m waking up and stepping out and I am gloriously enthusiastic about it!

Years ago I delivered a message at a women’s gathering in which I told the audience that none of us are special. 😆 That’s certainly not a message we like to hear, myself included. I stand by my statement. It’s really difficult sometimes to communicate these deep threads of thought in a clear and concise way without leaving gaps. I do the best I can and trust The Holy Spirit.

My meaning was that we compare ourselves to one another thinking, “If I only had this gift or talent or that gift or talent then I’d be special like this person or that person.” When the truth is we are all unique with our own stories, hardships, triumphs, and gifts. So each of us is special in our own way and none of us is special as in better than another. We put way too much emphasis on the wrong things, including me. Let’s all just drop the pretense already.

Ex- Do you ever catch yourself staring down your own nose at someone with a sense of superiority? You think you see something so clearly and confidently that you don’t think they can see? Instead of being open and humble about it, you watch on and say nothing because it makes you feel better and that’s what you think you need? Or have you ever chosen not to affirm or support someone because the idea of that person rising someone feels threatening to you? Instead, you watch on in scrutinizing silence, looking for things you can use or punch holes in. Thinking if you can, it means you’re better or you win? Or do you feel like you will never measure up, you’ll do anything to be seen as good enough? You live in fear that people will find out you’re lacking, so you keep at it? If so, there’s a good indicator of a hole you’re trying to fill or avoid. God, forgive us! There’s room at the table for all of us. Help us see.

Sisters, you don’t know everything. I don’t know everything. The truth is we all know nothing compared to Almighty God. We will always be able to poke holes in each other’s experiences, perspectives, etc. because we’re neither omniscient nor omnipotent. He’s given us access to Kingdom power, yes, but we are still human. He has gifted you in areas I’m not. I may be gifted in areas you’re not. And that’s wonderful!! Let’s get excited about that!! I’ve never understood why women seek to suppress each other instead of celebrating each other. Let’s start viewing one another as assets, not liabilities – that’s the world talk, not The Kingdom.

We can help each other! It should take the pressure off, right? Instead it seems we’re in a never ending hand-race to reach the top of the baseball bat! While some of us are “competing” to just keep up or be enough, which we’ll never achieve; others of us are competing because we have to be on top and don’t dare anyone threaten that. Isn’t it exhausting? Why can’t we see that “the world is wide enough?”

So this is me being awake and over it. Letting go of ego, putting aside the need to keep up. Able in Jesus name to own who I have always been at my core and not worry about if it fits someone’s idea of who “Cindy” should be. No longer willing to shrink. By shrinking, I’ve deprived myself of lessons I need to learn and others of lessons they need to learn all to try to keep others happy. All just to belong somewhere. When you grow up in abuse, don’t have any stable relationships at home, and you’re bullied at school, where do you belong? Love and belonging are basic human needs, needs I was starving for. But you can’t serve God and people.

I want to see women be released from the bondage of “not enough” and the fear of unbelonging to embrace who they are! God can unleash His power through us if we let all this go and run to Him for validation! That can’t happen when we get caught up in the inferiority/superiority crap. Be honest about your blindsides and help protect your sisters’. Let’s recognize we’re all in this together.

It’s a hostile environment we create when we compete and compare, especially in what should be a community which reflects the love and grace of Jesus. Above all, we belong to The One who breathed us and all of creation into existence with such care, that the hairs on our heads have been counted. I want to see a body of believers loving and serving the way we are truly called to, to learn what that really means. Together we could end child abuse. End homelessness. End slavery. End it all or fight like Heaven trying. To see that every person receive the love and belonging they were created for!

Hey, Beautiful! I just love you! I think you’re amazing! Thanks for reading. I hope it blesses you, releases you, or at the very least offers food for thought. We are walking toward greater joy and freedom together, and it is an honor to share with you! Don’t hesitate to reach out if you ever want to talk. I’d love to listen! In Jesus name, there is no condemnation here. I rebuke those lies of the enemy and thank You Jesus for replacing them with Your Holy Truth right now this second.

I want women to stop chasing after what they think they should be and own who they are. Then they would see that what they look to others for will start to manifest in their own lives. Often times people who attend churches disassociate from others they perceive as sinful so that the vines of others’ sins don’t creep in on them. I’m guilty too. “I don’t understand you so you must be wrong.” You learn to speak the language of sanctification and as long as you continue to speak what’s comfortable and familiar you’re accepted. Start asking hard questions or share a different perspective and the tide may change.

For a time, in my desperation of belonging and pursuing a “holy” life opposite of the one I grew up in, I thought that’s what we’re supposed to do. If holier, church-going Christians could accept me and accept my husband then maybe we could be worthy. I equated the acceptance of church people to the acceptance of God. I own every bit of responsibility for that. Nowhere have I felt more judgement, comparison, rejection, and pettiness than I have amongst women who claim Jesus as their savior. And this is an account of my whole life.

It’s everywhere, but I think I was naive to expect something different under the fold of a Christ-centered organization. I expected and wholehearted believed better from church people, and that’s why it affected me more than anything. No one is perfect. Heaven and Hell know for sure I’m not. If you’ve read any one of my blogs than you know how messed up I am. 😆 But where Hell won’t let us forget, Heaven washes us clean. And I am grateful to have grown beyond this expectation of church or church people. Jesus has offered so much freedom!

You don’t know what you don’t know. I couldn’t see that back then. I do now. I had to unlearn a lot of things and – I’m comfortable now saying – that so do many church people. Getting hung up on things like dress code and drums in worship, and ignoring starving people on the streets, speaking out about sexual orientation far more than things like child abuse. Judging that girl for what they think is attitude instead of realizing that she’s had to be tough all her life. It’s not disrespect, it’s passion, but our ego won’t move over for us to see it.

Instead of embracing different perspectives and personalities, we tell everyone they need to be like us. More truthfully we tell people, just like any other culture, to be who we think, or want, they should be. Ex – I’m a woman so I shouldn’t feel so comfortable standing toe to toe with a man. If I had been “raised better” maybe I could be more meek and mild. All of heaven knows how hard I’ve tried to shove myself into that demeanor. But Jesus didn’t choose the disciples to change their personalities and make them more like the Pharisees.

“We are willing to admit just enough of our own brokenness to be marketable and hold back the deeper ugly for fear of rejection. (Consider this blog my ugly cry, snot and all!) We are kind always, until they leave the room and then we say whatever we want and use the excuse we need to vent to a trusted confidant or we need to pray for those people. Or worse yet we’re passive aggressive toward them because we don’t know how to be direct.

We cloak things with theological words, and righteous-sounding riddles, leaving the recipient dazed and confused and feeling small. Criticize others for a thought or idea and turn it around with our own spin for our own gain. We rest on our privilege and struggle to understand and connect with those who think or act differently. We look at our privilege as a blessing so that we can minister to “the least of these” every so often while we live comfortable lives and don’t truly want for anything. We lose touch. We lose perspective.

I believe where we go wrong is internally measuring ourselves as better than, less “sinful,” more educated and thereby superior. Bless their hearts it’s our Christian duty to help sanitize em so they can appear more holy and make everyone more comfortable. There is a difference between sanitization and sanctification. Not everyone is like this, absolutely not, or I would not attend a church period. I am on my face in joy and gratitude for my church family. I’d be wayward and drifting without my church family.

Wherever you have people you have problems. Nevertheless community is vital even for an introvert. And yes, there are a rare few who fare better riding solo and that’s perfectly well. Hear my heart. True nonconformity isn’t a thing as we all conform to something in one way or another. We are all influenced by something and someone everyday. And I am beyond grateful to belong to a church family who is being lead out of this mindset and into the mindset of real people with real problems experiencing real love. Praise You God for this family!

If we are truly being transformed by the renewing of our minds- truly allowing The Holy Spirit to change us from the inside out – I believe we’d be more aware of our own sin and less worried about someone else’s creeping in. Why? Because “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.” John 1:5 NLT

The Light within us cannot be overtaken by darkness. Our God is too powerful. When Jesus touched people, their “ick” didn’t get on His “wow.” His “wow” got on their “ick.” That power is within those who have received The Holy Spirit. “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 NLT

When the focus becomes about preserving our own holiness over loving someone’s brokenness, that’s when we’ve lost love and adopted religion. I have never in my life been able to judge someone, argue someone, compare someone, punish someone into accepting the love of Jesus. Have you?

A platform gives us a privilege but it doesn’t make us better. It should make us more humble. More loving. Because we know what it feels like to be judged and put in a box. We know how broken we really are and yet some how we’ve been given a chance to make a difference. What kind of love is that? That saints could be more lost and broken than sinners and yet He calls us His. Ooo, I gotta chew on that some more.

Father, allow only love and conviction to be heard in these words. Thank You for opening my eyes just a little bit more. I’ve come so far and yet have so much longer to go. Thank you for loving me where I’m at and healing me. Forgive me for trading in my uniqueness for religious conformity. Set me free that I may be your vessel. So I can “Go!.
And hold all the mothers, whose babies bleed from bullet holes
And feel all the hunger, the bellies, and the bones
Shout for the prisoner, cry for justice, loud and long
And march with the victims, as Jesus marches on
And sit at all the tables, ’cause Jesus eats with everyone
And dance to the music, if I can’t sing its native tongue
And cry for the wombs, the mothers and the empty arms
And hold high the warriors, fighting now for freedoms’ song
And love, love, love, love
Like it’s my own blood
And love, love, love, love
As I have been loved!”

In Jesus’ name, I beg! Amen!

LiveALIVE Today,

Cindy

43. The Real Me. My Real Dream.

Driving back from a meeting with my mentors and I found myself confused and frustrated. Not at them of course, but frustrated because something was stirring inside me and I could quiet put my finger on it. In fact I’ve spent a lot of time feeling frustrated and not understanding why. Something happened after I got home, and got still, that maybe just changed my life. It literally just happened so I’m writing to you in “as it happened.” Lord, help it make sense.

One of my mentors loves to talk about dreaming bigger. I love her for this and so much more! She asked me what I wanted to have accomplished come the new year. My answer: home renovations. In my head I’d love to see the whole house renovated but she asked for specifics. So I listed off a few things I want to start with. And she then tells me do dream bigger, and I realize I should have gone with me gut answer. It more than that, why am I year after years hearing the same message and feel like I’m running in place somehow?

As a leader myself, I know what it’s like to want so much more for those you lead than what they can see for themselves. It’s a blessing and a curse. So I left feeling frustrated and confused. Here I am coming around the mountain from a huge spiritual awakening in my life. Finding my voice, remembering and owning who God has created me to be, and the dream of renovating my house doesn’t seem good enough? Why is it that I’m still not dreaming big enough? Is that even true, though, because I do have big dreams. And in a lot of ways I’m living those dreams already.

That Still Small Voice says, “It’ll never be enough.”

What won’t? Like for her? For me? For You? Or am I really still that far behind? I am excited to renovate my home. Mike and I have plans for sure! Will they be accomplished come January? It’s possible for sure! And I don’t mind putting in the work to see that happen. Aha! There it is! That old slippery slope. Why am I coming right back to those over-achiever thoughts of trying to live up to a proverbial expectation. Am I really back to where I started after everything?

“I didn’t leave you there. You are not the same as before.”

God and I just took a long journey of me learning to overcome workaholism, perfectionism, and validation-seeking. And here it’s tempting to go right back. Of course I can remodel my entire beloved fixer upper by January! Anything is possible!

“Is that what you want to invest all of your time and energy on? Chasing that one thing because someone else suggested you could?”

I don’t know? Is it? If not that then what is it? God what are you doing with me? (Yes, I let really asked Him that.) Why aren’t my dreams/wants/desires good enough? I’m excited to knock those three things out by January on top of regular bills and medical bills, and holiday merriment, etc. and the last time I dreamed bigger trying to meet my perceived expectations from others … well, we all know how that worked out. At least everyone who knows, knows. That’s a toxic pattern in my life, Jesus, but you say I am more than a conqueror.

I ask again, what do You want with me? These last several months that you’ve been refining me. Taking me to places I’ve never been emotionally to heal me. Is it to put me back to where I was before?

… (silence)

I’m home now so I go inside and sit on the couch replaying the conversation from the car trying to figure it out.

Then I seem to realize something I haven’t done for myself in a while is pray. So I go to my praise and worship playlist on You Tube to get centered, and I stumble across a song I didn’t know I’d saved and barely remember before this night.

Please stop here, go to YouTube and look up. Nicole Nordeman’s “Dear Me” Lyric Video. Pretty pretty please, before reading on. And then come back for the conclusion.

As you can imagine, I immediately broke down. Crying, calling out to God. Father, help me. Show me how. I can’t do this without you.

“It’s never enough because your true dreams aren’t of this world.”

That song pretty much sums up why I’m frustrated. Sums up why I struggle with certain goals. Or “bigger dreams.” Because my real dreams can’t fit into a mold. It’s infinitely bigger than me. It’s priceless and immeasurable – to Make Manifest the Kingdom of God on Earth. Before I didn’t have the words to decipher the longing in my heart.

That’s more than just a dream or even a passion. The reason for my existence. This is me. When I force myself to focus on trying to keep up or fit in, I am stepping outside my calling. I want to see The True Power of The Holy Spirit WAKE UP within The Body!

I want to see those proclaiming The Name of Jesus to rise from the dead and allow His glory to shine. Like what you like. Buy what you like. I love fancy things as much as the next gal. I am grateful for everything that I have. Material and otherwise. But none of it is as important to me as fighting for justice for the oppressed, comforting those who mourn, and LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! His name is LOVE!

I no longer need to “lookout for number 1” because I am second; and “He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world.” Be a good steward of His blessings, absolutely. But chasing pavements leads nowhere. You can’t take your possessions with you, but you can take people. And my heart is with the people who are overlooked. The oppressed and abused. The discounted and cast off.

My dream is to lead a team of people with the same passion to love and to serve. To elevate others to come along side us. People who see the overlooked. People who are burdened to see Revival here and now. “To seek justice. Love mercy. And walk humbly.” To realize the power of God within them and unleash The Holy Spirit to set free the captives.

My final question for this amazing time with God is, how do you quantify, qualify, or concretize that dream? I know there’s an answer! I can’t wait to find out! There’s a bigger dream – a bigger picture – for us and we have scales over our eyes. We can’t see.

Father I am so thankful for the leaders you’ve placed in my life to ask these questions and get me thinking. They inspire me daily and bring out the best in me always. Thank you! Holy Spirit wake us up. Jesus set us free. Remove the scales from our eyes. Lead us to Love as You love. To see what You see. To serve as You serve. In your precious and mighty name, I pray. Amen!

LiveALIVE Today,

Cindy

39. Cleaning Out the Closet: It’s Always Darkest Before the Dawn

What do Florence + The Machine, a closet, and a Greek myth have in common? Rejoicing, and again being super vulnerable, prayers have been given answers, new steps forward being taken! Will you rejoice with me? There is hope! There is light at the end of the tunnel even if we can’t see it! If you’ve bared with me through the pain and sorrow I’ve shared through these posts – as I’ve opened up the closet of trauma and started cleaning it out – I invite you now to share in the joy of some dots that have been connected and the answer to prayers from the past 7 years of waiting!! 🙌🎉😄🙏🧎‍♀️

“𝓦𝓱𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭𝔂…“

🏳️🏳️🏳️

This may come as no surprise to anyone else, and that’s totally ok, but the reality has finally truly sunk in for me and I feel freer than ever!

My therapist even thought we were on the same page about this, but I guess I wasn’t ready to fully accept it. A few weeks back I shared a quote that said, “I found healing when I told my ego to sit in a corner while I asked my wounds some important questions.” (Paraphrased from @hergrowthgame) Well I’ve been doing that a ton lately, and God is gently peeling away the layers of trauma, cleaning the wounds, and redressing them.

I didn’t realize it before but I had been doctoring my wounds myself trying to prove to the universe that I’m alright, I’m capable, I’m adequate. Instead I’ve just been running from it all pretending it’s not there. And perpetually running into situations which cause me to feel unsafe, incapable, and inadequate.

From “Shake It Out” – Florence + The Machine. Source: Pinterest

The closer I’m getting to the root of the issue it feels like the bigger my world is getting and smaller at the same time. Like things are coming into alignment. “So here I stand in the light of day.” Finally recognizing and accepting that I have #ptsd. (Shocker!)

“Well, duh, Cindy. Who having survived 18 years of childhood trauma, neglect, abandonment, and being trafficked wouldn’t have a smidge?!” Well, friend, until a couple of years ago I truly believed that healing looked like leaning nonchalantly on my closet door to hold it closed just in case any monsters got loose and never looking at it again. And maybe I needed that for a time, but to truly get passed it I realize now I have to sort through it. And while God’s been helping me get organized, He’s shown me a few unexpected things along the way.

But I had to be willing to open the door, look inside, and take everything out. In this closet. It’s not a matter of what sparks joy. I can’t throw away the past like a bad purchase and pretend it didn’t happen. It’s a part of me. But I can reorganize it. I can throw out the lies I’ve believed because of it. I can move forward. The truth that I have ptsd, a few years ago would have really bothered me. Now, it solves a mystery.

From “Shake It Out” – Florence + The Machine. Source: Pinterest

I have been SO unbelievable hard on myself. I have been walking around with heaps and heaps of fear and anxiety boiling below the surface. Finding fault with myself at every turn. Like the only way I know how to function is to examine every move I make for perfection. But that’s a lose-lose situation akin to that of Sisyphus. Desperately rolling that boulder up a peak, but getting ran over by said boulder on its way back down and then starting all over.

“Wow, that sounds exhausting!” Yep. It is. I didn’t realize I was running from my issues. I know that by His stripes, I am healed! Anything asked in His name will be given and He wants His children to live from victory. So I assumed that because I believed and because I had asked that it was so. I’ve watch so many people waste their lives clinging to their victimhood. I did not want to follow suit.

But the more time has past, the more it has caught up with me. It is tough. It is ugly. I hate it. It’s annoying. Yes, and I am grateful. So many times I’ve tried to live out to the expectations (expressed or otherwise) of others and of myself. But there’s no possible way to please everyone. And I’ve been susceptible to toxic relationships as a result which further chip away at my self esteem.

Growing up being treated like everything about you is wrong. Like it’s my fault so and so is my dad and such and such is my mom, both families criticizing me for my similarities to the other. My tomboy-ness wasn’t ladylike. My girly-ness was then considered too prissy. My smartness was encouraged and then resented. The creativity and distractedness that comes with the smartness was ridiculed.

Imagine living with parents who’s main source of entertainment was seeing how upset they could make you and then punishing you for it. At my core I knew that it was wrong, but then circumstances in adult life almost reinforced that pattern. I wasn’t equipped to recognize them.

From “Shake It Out” – Florence + The Machine. Source: Pinterest

I easily go into this mode where I feel like I have to work really hard just to be good enough to be in the space of others, and anytime I let my guard down a wave of shame washes over me that tells me I shouldn’t have because I’m annoying or dumb, and people who care about me right now are going to see how screwed up and weird I am and decide they don’t want to be around me anymore. It’s all a lie, yes, but given a lifetime of this pattern, it’s not hard to see why it’s all believable.

This trip into my passed and how it’s affecting me today is the most grueling experience at times. Since I’ve been on this journey, Somedays I’m paralyzed by my grief and get so down I don’t see a way out. I cry out to God to remove all of it, and He lovingly whispers, “In order to get out, you must go through. I am with you every step. I will never leave you.”

When you’re cleaning out a closet, proverbial or otherwise, it will look worse before it gets better. Recognizing that I’m on the spectrum of post traumatic stress disorder was a huge relief. I’m not “crazy” after all, there is something wrong. Sometimes it’s good to be able to name the thing. Like when tree limbs are casting a scary shadow outside your window. You get up the nerve to look out and face the creepy. Then you feel relief and slight humor that it was only the trees.

It explains a lot:

~ Issues with my short term memory and attention span (or lack thereof), Dyslexic traits.

~ Why I sometimes seem to handle really difficult things too well, and really simply things not well at all.

~ Difficulty preforming basic tasks and instinctually avoiding seemingly random things.

~ Overthinking and people pleasing compulsions.

~ Need for Overachieving and perfectionism.

~ Tendency to talk too much and over share when I’m stressed or anxious or impassioned.

~ The brain fog, the chronic pain and fatigue.

~ And a new one now as I’m processing and working on not burying my negative emotions, I’ve experienced a few moods swings and bursts of anger. Getting angry reminds me of my father so I avoid it at all costs. But honestly it feels good to express my anger in healthy ways. Sometimes where the anger comes from is clear. Other times I have no idea. I try to be mindful and prayerful through it and I’m met with peace.

Every single thing I’ve struggled with in my health and emotions can really be summed up in these 4 letters. (Aside from allergies I think.) I am rejoicing. It may be weird but many incredible people have prayed and fasted with me for answers. God waited to provide until I was ready to receive.

To be honest, I just want to get this journey over with and move on, because somedays it’s just awful. But if I shove it all back into the closet, I’ll be right back where I started. Doomed to roll that boulder up the hill and get squashed again. No turning back. I must go through to get out, even if it gets messier as I go.

From “Shake It Out” – Florence + The Machine. Source: Pinterest

If this testimony reminds you of yourself or someone you know, I hope you feel seen and understood. The answers may take years, but hang in there. They will come. I’ve received so much judgement and condemnation from others along this journey. Being accused of having sin or disobedience in my life that’s prevented healing, not having enough faith to take up my mat and walk, not being spiritual or religious enough to be worthy of healing.

Accused of being weak, not being able to let go , I was even tempted to give into the lie that maybe healing wasn’t coming because I don’t truly know Jesus. It make sense, The Bible talks about that very thing in fact. But when I brought all of those things before The Throne, He reaffirmed me that He will heal me, is healing me, but it’s not what I expect. It’s been 7 years since I surrendered my healing to God.

And He has answered. Blood tests showed nothing wrong because there is nothing wrong with my blood. At times I believed I had lupus or a number other autoimmune diseases. And yes I do struggle with autoimmune symptoms. That is because of trauma. Emotional as well as physical trauma damage the body. More than especially when continually experienced since birth. I have danced at this truth unfolding! He has promised me answers, promised me healing, and He is faithful.

Everyone’s journey is unique and I’m sure those people who spoke such things over me had the best intentions. I don’t hold anything against them at all. But for sure those things were hard to process as I explored the possibility of each one and was always brought back to the same conclusion. “Trust in Me. Hang in there. Keep going.”

LiveALIVE Today,

Cindy

Create in me a pure heart oh God! Renew a steadfast spirit within me as You continue the new work You are doing in me. Your Word encourages us to be strong and courageous. Help me to be just that to a higher level. Thank You for allowing me to see just how strong and courageous You have already allowed me to be. Forgive me for being so hard on myself and thank You for teaching me grace for myself. Use me to inspire the same courage and strength in others. Not for my name but to make high The Name of Jesus. Use me for Your purpose and help me not to be afraid of Your power manifesting in and around me. You are Holy. You are Awesome! You are the Love and the Light of my life. Forgive me for putting anything in front of You and for being wise in my own opinion. Your correction is gentle and beautiful. You are a good, kind, faithful, loving Father. Thank You for calling me Worthy of such a gift. In Jesus name, thank You for bringing healing to those who read this. Let Your favor pour out! Amen!

38. The Pain of Mother’s Day

This is another highly emotional, highly personal read. Please take a moment and pray before deciding to read this. At the encouragement of a friend, I took the 10 Days of Being a Mom Challenge on Facebook. To be true to the challenge the posts are to be without explanation. Today is Mother’s Day and even if I don’t post this, I’m writing my heart out for me and for all the “moms” like me.

I am not socially seen as a mother to post such things, so please hear my heart. This was not meant to diminish in anyway traditional motherhood or stake a claim of something I’m unable to relate. If you are a mom in a more traditional sense, I am grateful to God for blessing you so! I want you to be recognized, celebrated, and honored! You are amazing and valued!

I’ve been called to invest my life in service of women, and as with societal norms, most of those I serve are mothers in the traditional senses. Be it biologically, foster, or adoption. But I serve other types of moms, too, who are also uniquely beautiful in their motherhood journey. And it is one of life’s greatest gifts to serve you all. 💝

I almost didn’t do the challenge because 1. I don’t normally participate in challenges. (#infjsandsocialmedia), and 2. I still care too much what others think. My dear friend and accountability partner, Bethany, tagged me. I know her heart, and I know why she did that. I’m so thankful for friends like her that challenge me to live out the freedom and fullness that Christ offers. And did He ever show up in a powerful and healing way!

I am created me to be a voice and an advocate for those hard to reach or understand people and places in life. But for fear of causing others discomfort, I’ve stayed relatively quiet. I have lots of stories I could share or pointers I could offer, but I’m not with the times in that journey, and it also seems to make others uncomfortable when I do share something. I recognize that. So being out of touch and not wanting to cause discomfort, I stay quiet. It’s time to take another step out of the dark.

I ask for your grace in this moment to read part of my story. My prayer is that you see the glory of God through this pain and the offering of a different perspective. If my story connects with yours, I hope you feel seen. You are SO LOVED, precious sister!

The cruel and unusual truth is, I’ve been raising babies and their grown-ups since I was 3. No joke. It was often said I was 3 going on 30. I may or may never experience the joy of a positive pregnancy test, the excitement of telling those you love the good news, the anticipation behind doctors visits, the baby shower, gender reveal, and so on. Oh, how wonderful those things are to imagine!

But I have experienced loss, loss so deep I can’t share yet. The blame, the guilt, the anger, the lack of understanding. I have experienced contractions and back pain, hormones, emotions, fatigue, intense brain fog, etc. I’m living with stage 4 endometriosis. I’ve cramped so badly at times I’ve passed out from the pain. I’ve had contractions as I pass fetus-sized blood clots, hemorrhage, and experience the terror of wondering if I had been pregnant and didn’t know it. Failing in those moments to remember God’s true character and wonder if He’s punishing me; then going down the list of all my many sins trying to figure out which one caused this torment.

It’s not the same, and I don’t pretend that it is. But because of these experiences, I can get in the trenches in some way with those who have felt similar types of fear and loss. Even if someone goes through the exact same thing, no one can 100% relate to another. Nor should we try because everyone’s journey uniquely their own. I’m learning to thank God for every negative experience if it allows me even the smallest understanding, awareness, and compassion for others.

I know that sadness, emptiness, and confusion of a negative pregnancy test – almost 10 years worth. At times this feels unfair to me – and super embarrassing – but in this way, the Holy Spirit allows me to intercede for others. I don’t know why it’s this way, but He is faithful and I trust Him. I do what He has called me to do. Life’s greatest wonders can often be found in the deepest heartaches. Things I can’t even share as they’re not mine to tell. It’s all His glory!

I may or may never experience physical labor and the fight and the miracle of physical childbirth. But I do know what it’s like to look down at that sweet angelic face with joy and fear and wonder at the unknown of who this tiny person is and is going to become. Of wishing so much that time would slow down and that baby wouldn’t have to grow up. To holding that baby so tightly in my arms and weeping. Asking God to protect that baby from harm. To raise that baby up to be a good, righteous, Godly person. I know what it’s like to do battle for a soul caught in the enemy’s grip and to wrestle spiritually for that soul’s victory and deliverance.

I’ve experienced the sleepless nights, and pukepooppee for days. I know all about bumps and bruises that can only be healed by a kiss and “all better”, surgeries, potty training, making everything a game, homework you don’t understand how to help with, parent-teacher meetings, prom dress shopping, having talks about The Facts of Life. To being the only one who can comfort them when they’re sad or scared, and feeling honored that in the middle of tough things, you can be such for them. It’s a gift and a sorrow to me. I experienced all of these things and yet I am not “mom.” It was not my choice but I wouldn’t trade it knowing what I know now.

I know about the loving them so much and being so angry you need to scream into a pillow so you don’t lose it on them. I’ve lived the not having any privacy – locking them in the bathroom with you so you can take a 2 minute shower because they won’t nap – phase. Not being able to close the door to go potty because someone might miraculously find a way to lose a limb in the 30 secs you try to power pee. The being so very ill that you can’t get out of bed, but you do anyway to cook and clean and care for an entire household.

I know about telling them a scquillion times not to do something and then blowing up on them for doing it anyway. I know about the shame and guilt that comes after and the apology you know can’t undo the fact that scared them. I’ve lived the need to let them cry it out a little when you know the crocodile tears are because they want a 10th cup of juice and its not even lunch time. That heart sinking feeling when you realize you’ve disappointed them. The nakedness when you see your own behavior reflected in their childlike ways.

I know about taking a deep breath and getting down on their level to teach them something when all you want is a moment to yourself. And then loving the look in their eyes when they understand what you’ve taught them. When they learn or discover something new. I’ve mastered the one-handed meal cooking and diaper changing, and how to deal with a meltdown in the middle of the grocery store. And the instant panic when you’ve misplaced one on aisle 5.

I know what it feels like to sacrifice everything, everything you are, everything you’d hoped to be to protect those babies, beyond what I’m able to share right now. The dreams and the goals that I wanted for myself that died trying to help us all survive. I know the pain of realizing that no matter how hard you try, there are somethings no mama can protect her babies from. I know the pain of realizing that something you did caused your baby harm.

The realization that you cannot be a perfect parent, and the only choice is “trust in The Lord with all you’re heart and lean not on your own understanding.” And for all the exhaustion and frustration they put you through, you never run out of love for them and somehow that love only seems to grow and grow. I know what it’s like to stand in the gap; loving and protecting them even when they don’t even know you’re watching. I can even relate to the horror of having your babies “taken” from you against your will and the fear and concern you carry with you when they’re not in your care.

I may or may never be called mom by a child who is biologically mine, but I marvel at what that might feel like. I know what it’s like for God to ask you to let go of your babies and trust Him with their lives. That is one of the hardest things to spiritually walk through and I daily lay down my heart for them all. But God tells me that they are His before they were anyone else’s, and I have to trust in His plan for us all. Not my will but His be done.

I may or may not ever get to watch a biological baby of mine grow up. But I know the joy of watching my babies stumble, fall, get back up, try again. From afar and up close, I experience exuberance and a small amount of pride at their milestones, and concern and care at their setbacks. That tender nervousness and slight shock when they share about a physical encounter with their significant other. You’re thankful they feel safe to share with you, but you also want to “find a switch and tan their hide,” and you also want to cut the “hoe” who “preyed” on your sweet baby! And then you realize you were young once and “that hoe” is someone’s baby too.

I know what it’s like to watch your babies make mistakes and put themselves in harms way, but you have to let them so they’ll hopefully learn. I have scars to prove the many times I jumped into harms way to protect them. I know what it’s like to be used by God to lead them to Christ. Some have continued to grow in Him, some have walked away. Some are to be determined. All are welcome at my table.

I know the pain of your children rejecting you when they’re older, even looking down on you in their newfound maturity thinking that they know better. And for God to give you the wisdom to understand that’s a part of the growing up we all have to do, and not even an ounce of how we all act toward Him.

And much of this I have done without the greater mom community, while I was growing up myself. And instead of praise and honor for my mothering, I got severe verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. I get to watch as the grown people in my life got away with all of it and take credit for my labor. I raised myself while raising my siblings in a turbulent and abusive environment. I sacrificed my life to try to protect them only to learn that there was so much much more I couldn’t protect them from.

So Mother’s Day is excruciating. Each year it’s a stab through the heart. Always has been, without a traditional mother to personally honor for my upbringing, and not being allowed the celebration myself. For years I have been ok with it because it’s not about me, and I’d do it a thousand times again. I can relate in some way to most moms, but I keep it to myself and soldier on.

I’m blessed to have a few friends I’m able to show this side of myself around and share advice and stories with. It’s a complicated situation for sure, and if you are one of those friends – Thank you for allowing me this room and this freedom. It’s means more than you know!

If you can relate in any way, is it just me or does it get more difficult as the years progress? Especially when someone wishes me happy Mother’s Day and then takes it back because, “Oh wait, you’re not a mom, never mind.” Sisters, hear me that I know it is not meant by these persons to cause harm. But every year multiple times this happens. God has used it for my teaching and my healing. He takes what the enemy meant for evil and turns it for good. I’ve learned to reply, “I guess it depends on the definition.”

My baby brother frequently called me mom on accident because he was confused and didn’t understand. I was severely punished when he did as if I’d encouraged him. I’m grateful he doesn’t remember any of this. Thank you Holy Father!! It’s God’s protection. I am proud of the incredible young man he’s become. I’m proud of them all for surviving and moving on with their lives however they were able. And I pray for them always! I’ve been called mom even by my peers my whole life.

I don’t know how not to be a mom. Part of that is conditioned behavior. As I developed as a child, being mom was part of my development. Not in playing with dolls, but in caring for real live people. If someone’s in need, I’m there on instinct. But there’s no hallmark card for the ways I mother, and that’s okay. Most moms don’t mom for the glory of it. It’s a calling. And most of my “children” will walk out of my life and not return. It’s a hard love. A rewarding love. And at times I have wished that my story could be more traditional, but that’s not the path I’m on. Leaning in the Everlasting.

Every Mother’s Day I lovingly and compassionately endure while people, to satisfy curiosity, ask me private questions about my health, marriage, etc. One time someone who was hurting in her need to be a wife and mother even angrily accused me and my husband of being selfish, having never known the story of what we’ve both walked through in our lives separately and now together. Again The Spirit moved in that conversation, too, and allowed Mike and I to minister to her. It’s was beautiful. Though I did have a brief “cash me ouside” moment in my head. I’ve messed up in this conversation plenty of times myself. It’s a delicate thing, but there’s grace for us all!

I’m only now giving myself permission to grieve any of this. Like most moms, I always prioritize others above self, and I don’t regret it at all. In fact it’s not even a decision. It’s automatic, but I’m in a season of needing to give myself this room. The loss and trauma I’ve experienced are extremely difficult to talk about, as I’m sure it’s tough to read it/hear it. I may be grieving but I in no way pity myself. I’m a survivor and this is my story.

Talking or writing things out helps. I share because I know I am not alone. And even if I were I believe the things God’s walked me through are for a purpose. Most may never understand, and being unsure how to put words to it, I’ve stayed silent. That’s not victory that’s isolation. That’s not living in The Promised Land that’s living in the shadows. So I’m trusting and expectant for God’s Glory and Faithfulness to again be revealed in this step forward. There is healing from even the deepest of wounds – Jesus gave His earthly life in the most tragic way to see it so.

Everyone’s journey is different, but as Women, we are all in this together. I’m beyond thrilled to be Aunt Cindy to my friends’ babies, and Mama Cindy to my faith children. To love them and care for them all if only a little is such a beautiful blessing – even knowing that I fall short daily. Helping others with their kids and being a spiritual and business mentor to even more still, fills my mama heart. God restores what the moth and locusts destroy. He turns what was intended to harm us to save many.

This has been a long post. Thank you for reading this. I’d love to hear your thoughts! I’ll leave you with this. Fatefully, a couple of years ago, God met me in my need and wondering. He lead me to read Breaking Free by Beth Moore. There are a few that speak to such moms as I and my cup overflowed. For all mothers of all kinds, here are those sweet pages of nourishment for your mama souls. I hope it brings you the same peace and reassurance of purpose it gave me.

Abba, You know our pain better than anyone. Whether our babies are with us and well, whether they’re in heaven, whether they’re struggling, whether they’ve walked away, or only purposed to be with us a little while, they are in your hands. Being a mom is like having your heart live outside your body. It’s vulnerable, it’s tough, but it’s also rewarding and full of life. For every mother, Lord, I pray she is celebrated, cherished, seen, known, and loved. If she’s deprived of anything, Father, thank You for meeting her in her need. Thank You for Your deliverance. You love us all and have given each of us our own unique path. Help us to love and honor one another. There’s room at Your table for us all. Fill our hearts and helps us walk in Your freedom today. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

LiveALIVE Today, and Cheers to all types of parents everywhere! -Cindy

30. Stepping Into The Light of Your Purpose

What’s your purpose in life? There isn’t a single person ever conceived that did not have a purpose. Whether we understand that purpose is another story.

A wonderful mentor in my life once lovingly told me that the reason why I struggled with discipline is that I lacked purpose. That may seem harsh to some, but that’s exactly what I needed to hear. She was right. No one had ever said that to me before, but during that season, and it was a looooong season, I lacked majorly.

At a retreat I recently attended, we were asked to go have quiet time in silence and solitude, to be still. To open our hearts and minds to God and allow Him to speak to and minister to us. It was amazing! The next morning we had a sweet time of worship and then we did something spectacular.

In conclusion, we were given a sliver of poster board. On one side we were to write what we wanted to be, as children, when we grew up. On the other side we were to pray and ask God to show us what we are called to be now.

Well, when I was little I wanted to be a lot of things: an actress, model, and singer – because even then I recognized the most influential of celebrities did it all – Miss America, animal rights activist, marine biologist, therapist, rainforest conversationist, journalist, founder of a nonprofit mission organization to end homelessness and world hunger, and finally a lawyer. For my latter childhood, I’d settled on lawyer. I think partly because that was the one career that the adults in my life seemed to encourage, and partly because I wanted to combat the evil to which I’d been exposed.

In playing this out in my head and asking The Holy Spirit to guide me in my answer (I didn’t know at the time why it was so important.), He lead me to the common thread of it all. I wanted to change the world. I wanted to make it a better place in some significant way. At the core of all of those things, this was the Greater Purpose.

When I commit to something, I commit. If I change my mind or life takes a different turn it’s a big deal. So it was HUGE when God lead me away from law school and toward interior design. I remember talking to Him as I signed up for classes. “God, You promised that You’d use my testimony to help others. And though I’m very excited about this direction, I don’t think this is what You meant exactly. Wouldn’t I be better use as an attorney?”

He then gave me images of an older me in a bland stiff suit carrying a heavy yoke, surrounded by anger, hatred, intense pain and injustice, a sense of dread and hopelessness washed over the image like a thick black cloud. I quickly shook the unpleasantness off. “Well okay then, thank You for that.”

So I set off down the path of becoming and interior designer. And to this day I use my hard earned education as a hobby. I arrogantly expected that the hardship of life was over once I got free from the abuse. Ha! Looking in a mirror, “Oh, sweet, naive, slightly entitled little girl. Bless your sweet, well-meaning heart.”

It’s not that I didn’t expect there to be trouble, but I never expected chronic illness. And I never expected the healing journey on all fronts to be so long and arduous. I went from being a rising corporate superstar, magna cum laude, fit as a fiddle, and every opportunity at her fingertips to not being able to get myself in and out of bed to go to the bathroom without help. As an early twenty-something no less. To this day we do not have concrete answers. And though I am leaps and bounds over where I was, the journey continues with highs and lows.

When I began my entrepreneurial journey, I expected quick success and advancement, like I’d received in every other area of my life. School, work, church. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t accomplish if I set my mind to it. But when the doctors are counseling my fiancé and I on end of life care just in case, and then neither death nor wellness result, it changes you.

In addition to that add abusive friendships, continued family drama, financial upsets, abusive doctors, medications which poisoned my body, all made a cocktail of insecurity, self-doubt, helplessness, etc. Where’s my powerful, world-changing purpose in the middle of all of that? It’s hard to believe that after all that I survived, it was this season in my life, as an adult, where I have never felt worse about myself. All the lies I’d been told about had felt true.

I barely made it down the aisle at my wedding without a wheel chair, and then danced myself into collapsing later because of a massive adrenaline rush. I couldn’t cope with the attention and all the people.

I lost myself. I had a nervous breakdown on our honeymoon because I was on an antidepressant that I should not have been prescribed and went without it all week because I lost the bottle in the hullabaloo.

My amazing, superhero of a husband. He has gone through just as much as I have with all of this. I used to tell him all the time that he deserved better, but then he shared how much that hurt him for me to say. Where is this greater purpose I was promised when we have to end marriage counseling early because our pastor is concerned by the pain I’m writhing in, and insists someone takes me to the doctor that instant.

I’m not sure I’ve shared this much about what went on with anyone before. I didn’t want to make it anyone else’s problem. It was a scary time and I honestly prayed for God to take me. If that was His plan in all of this, on more than one occasion, I asked Him to end my suffering and take me home. Not because I’m weak and prone to overly emotional exaggeration, it was. That. Bad.

Instead of alleviating the pain or answering my request to go Home, He pointed me to 2 verses. John 11:4 and Genesis 50:20

I cried out to Him daily for His hand, His healing, His joy, His guidance. “His grace is sufficient. His power perfected in weakness.” And boy did I see His power! He reminded me of verses He’d given me when I was in middle school, and how I knew I’d live a ministry-focused life.

So, I’ve got this piece of poster board in my hand. One side says “make the world a better place.” All of the above has flashed in thoughts. “God, what have you called me to be? I’m out of time for this exercise.”

I am called to make the world a better place by leading others out of darkness and into His Light. That’s my greater purpose. But we cannot lead from where we have not journeyed. I’ve been through all I’ve been through to learn from it. To allow God to use it. To be His light in the darkest of situations. Peace washes over me as I stand in a circle of other women all with little girl dreams, all with highs and lows lived, battles we’re fighting, things we’re surrendering, and we share. One word: powerful.

There’s NO shadow He won’t light up. There “ain’t no mountain high enough, valley low enough, or river wide enough to keep Him from getting to His children. I am now in a place where I believe in His purpose for my life and I receive it. It took me long enough, but that’s why there’s grace upon grace. He is patient and loving. He is not bothered by our lack of understanding. He delights in us and in the journey with us.

God, I love you! Thank you! You are worthy. You are Holy. Thank you! Guide anyone reading this who is struggling with purpose. With their purpose or understanding your grater purposes. Help us all to learn more on You and not on our own understanding until it’s only you. Jesus, I surrender my own way, my own understanding, my own wants, needs, thoughts, and dreams over to Your will. Bend me and mold me until the only thing about me that shines is You. Only You.

LiveALIVE Today!

Cindy

28. Worthy of Praise: Choosing to Worship in the Dark

2 weeks ago, I posted about learning to be broken. Then last week I posted about being broken. This week I write about a different realization in the middle of processing those things. What happens when praise doesn’t come so easily?

Questioning authority is not something I’m good at or comfortable with. In my home, authority was sovereignty. You didn’t question anything you were told or there were dire consequences, especially if what you were told went against your better instincts. 

Another reason I was such a teacher’s pet and, into adulthood, a boss’s pet and a ministry leader’s pet. Since I’ve been growing in my walk with Christ, worship has come so naturally to me. Gratefulness, prayerfulness, praisefulness. All givens. When God sets your feet on His solid ground after years of being the drudge of the earth, you have nothing but to be that way. 

You enter the fold of His glory with songs of praise and thanksgiving. It’s a natural response. Like breathing. It’s beautiful, simple, easy. What happens when praise doesn’t come so easily? A freak out, that’s what: What the what?! God, why am I struggling to meet you in that place we have met countless times? Why does my heart feel darkened? Why do I feel so down? 

Fix it, God, I don’t want this. I don’t like this. God, why aren’t you lifting the heaviness? Why are you allowing me to feel this way? Your word says consider it joy when going through trials. Where’s the joy? It’s gone. I can’t find, can’t manufacture it. It isn’t here. Your word says you will never leave me. I can’t see you, can’t feel you. I’m falling and it doesn’t feel like the trust fall of surrender. It’s cold. It’s lonely. Why God? Why?

 

If ye shall ask … 

You need to grieve. You need to process. Uncover what’s been lost in the darkness. Allow the pain and suffering to be real. Allow it to hit you. Don’t cover it up. Don’t choke it down. You’ve spent your whole life having to suck it up, choke it down, keep your head held high. It’s helped you get this far, but now. Now you don’t need it. Now it needs to go so there can be more of Me. I want all of you. Not the parts of you that you’re aware of, but everything. 

Hold tight to the truth of my word planted in your heart. Let it warm you through the cold. Let it the embers simmer in the distance you feel. I am here. I am sovereign. You need this. It’s not bad to feel this way. It’s healing. Your wounds are healing but not properly. It’s time to realign the broken pieces in you, so as I sew you back together you are stronger than before. If I leave you in the place you have been, your growth will be stunted. Your wounds will heal crooked. 

I know it’s painful. I know you’re scared. Face your fear. Don’t avoid it. I am here even if you cannot feel me. You prayed like David for me to search you. I am searching. You are found. 

 

Yes, Father. 

My praise feels like I’m going through the motions. I don’t feel that joyful intention right now. I don’t feel ease in my praise. I don’t feel content in my prayers. I believe in you. I love you. What have I done? Forgive me if I’ve caused this. 

 

My daughter, you have not caused this in a way that is bad. You asked for More of Me and Less of You. This is the process of answering your prayer and meeting you in your need. I have plans for you. Plans that aren’t about you. Plans for My people. For the lost, the broken, the hurting, those who are truly far from me. Will you allow Me to use you? 

 

Yes, Lord. Use me. Send me. 

Ok, then don’t run from the darkness. Face it head on. I’ve got you, you’re safe. My light is with you. This is good. 

 

~

He is worthy of our praise, even when we aren’t feeling it. There is greater beauty in choosing against the current of despair to lift my eyes, heart, and hands in praise to Him. I’ve not been in that season before where the prayer, praise, and gratitude weren’t automatic. (At least not that I’ve been aware.) I consciously chose the posture against how I felt. The first time, I thought He’s automatically going to lift the darkness. He did not, but I continued trusting though it didn’t feel good. Continued enduring through the shadows, waiting to see His face, waiting to feel His power move in and through me. 

It didn’t come for what felt like forever. (Boy are we impatient. We have no idea what forever really feels like. He is so patient through our over-dramatization.) God took the training wheels off my worship and allowed me to make the effort this time. I chose to continue, trusting He was still with me. And even if He did leave me, which The Promise Keeper promises never to do, I know He is still worthy. No matter what we face or how we feel. He is Worthy.

I had never really questioned His worthiness, but it was a strange feeling to find myself struggling to offer it. What I found is that God grew me through this trial. To choose to trust from a personal, empowered, conscious decision. Not based on any expectation or compliance with authority, but truly because I love Him and trust His faithfulness. I didn’t know I needed that – He did.

It’s huge that I would even ask, “Why.” I used to believe it was a sin to ask questions. But how does a child learn if she doesn’t ask questions? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think God is offended at our questions. I think He welcomes them as opportunities to teach us. And through His teaching leads us to rightful repentance. Not from fear or guilt or cultural influence, but from understanding and conviction and love.

LiveALIVE Today!

Cindy

Lord, You are Holy. You alone are worthy. You alone are righteous. Father, thank You for Your patience and kindness through our lack of understanding. Thank You for never leaving. For being with us through the dark. You alone are sovereign. I lift my heart and soul to You. So what only You can do! Thank you for allowing the trials to grow Your children. You or true and just. I love you!

26. i didn’t know how to be broken

I didn’t know how to be broken. 

 

Cindy, what an odd statement. What do you mean, “I didn’t know how to be broken?”

 

Well, you see, I wasn’t allowed to feel negative emotions. My feelings weren’t allowed to be hurt. I wasn’t allowed to be angry, sad, scared, confused. I wasn’t allowed to have questions about anything, especially the word, actions, and decisions of those in authority. 

 

As someone who was constantly told that she is weak, a cry baby, a liar, an exaggerator, and a sympathy seeker, you grow up to be afraid to be seen as weak by anyone. Afraid to draw attention, afraid to question things. You learn to keep it together at ALL times, including in the presence of your Heavenly Father, and ESPECIALLY around those you lead or have influence with. 

 

At my core, The Holy Spirit never allowed me to fully receive those lies (Praise God!), but nevertheless those lies left their mark. I was probably treated that way because crap rolls downhill, and somewhere along the way in their own lives they were taught the same. Sometimes people find that when they’re not willing to confront their junk, they project it onto others. Oddly enough, everyone else could express their emotions, though, just not me. 

 

Come to think of it, I wasn’t allowed to be excited about anything either, because that would make them mad, too. One year at Thanksgiving Dinner, we went around the table to say what we were thankful for. Every one of my siblings said our parents, family, etc. Since that point was well-covered and I presumed a given, I wanted to acknowledge something different. I said I was thankful for the beautiful Fall weather, changing leaves, and music – or something to that effect.

 

Yeah, that went over like a fart in church and the remainder of our feast was spent listening to a barrage of everything that was wrong with me and how ungrateful and selfish I am. I never said I wasn’t thankful for family, I was simply trying to diversify the conversation. I couldn’t articulate that at the time either; I was startled by the uproar it caused and my brain went into survival mode. Because I stepped outside what they wanted to hear, I was punished. I had to clean up after dinner as always while the family watch a movie together; and then I had to go to my room and think about how blessed I was to have a family and parents. 

 

I don’t know how to be broken because I had to build so many walls to survive, I’m still allowing The Lord to uncover them and take them down. And yes I say allowing, because in His love, He does not force. Sometimes walls come down with a wrecking ball, sometimes Jesus removes them brick by brick. Truthfully, God created me to be sensitive. It’s a fact that I myself have resented. Until recently, I would get defensive or annoyed if anyone were to acknowledge that I’m a sensitive person. (Go figure the sensitive person would be sensitive to being called sensitive. HAHA!) “No, sensitive is weak. I’m not weak.”

 

Sensitivity it NOT a weakness. I do not need a thicker skin, I believe it’s thick enough to have weathered all it has. I do not need to toughen up. I wake up every day (or most days) with a smile despite the level of pain and fatigue I may be experiencing. Not tooting my horn here, it’s just the deal. And He is worthy to be praised for it!

 

Sensitive, but not broken. I cannot break. I will not break. I refuse. But what if what I’ve been refusing to do is the very thing that sets me free to a higher level? Oh, sovereign God, how marvelous and wondrous are Your ways! But I don’t know how to break. I’ve spent my whole life “unbreakable.” If I break now, could the pieces ever be restored? Isn’t that the very nature of God and His Love for us? And, oh, how He Loves us so!

The older I get, the more I realize that we as human beings are ALL sensitive. We may be sensitive to different things or have different ways we express our sensitivity. If you know me, imagine if I weren’t created to be sensitive? I’ve tried and what I find is scary. I don’t like that girl. She’s scary. Every ounce of harshness I’ve experienced has made me hard, cold, detached, hateful or even numb. I’d be distrusting of everything, unable to build relationships. Nope, not for me. I couldn’t bare it. If that means my heart must bleed, let it be so. 

 

Next week, I’m going to post an extremely vulnerable message from the midst of true brokenness. I’m writing this one after, but I’m posting first because I feel lead to. Not sure I could accurately communicate the reason other than His leading. 

 

An important thing I’ve had to learn about myself is that when I do come forward with a grievance, it’s serious. There’s so much that I don’t allow to affect me. (I could write a book on enduring the cruelty of mankind.) But the truth is, it does affect me. I’m so good at hiding it, I don’t even realize it has. So if I come forward with an issue, you better believe that something is serious. It’s normally so serious in fact that I’m dismissed because others don’t want to take the time to deal with the issue. Maybe because it’s too difficult, the solution isn’t obvious, or it would take too much time. 

 

Quite possibly the same reasons I didn’t know how to be broken. It’s easier to dismiss me. I get it. I dismiss myself all the time. I ask again, what if what we’ve been refusing to do is the very thing that sets us free to a higher level? 

I had coffee with a beautiful friend and fellow survivor today. She said something so profound: because of the trauma she’d been through she’d convinced herself that she was exempt from any more pain. But oh, what a mistake! She acknowledged it’s in the middle of our pain that God can move most! 

 

I felt that and added, if life is without struggle there is no movement, no growth. It’s true for me as well. I thought my testimony ended with my childhood and my adulthood would be wonderfully filled with freedom, weightlessness, and advocacy. God would use me to help others experience victory, but that I would finally be pain free! The audacity!

 

Here’s the beauty of our God. My whole life I’ve dealt with illness, chronic pain and fatigue. I experienced slight relief from pain as a teen and then it resurfaced with a vengeance in adulthood. Until a few weeks ago, there were only 2 times in my adult life I’ve been confronted with my brokenness, for realsies. 1) When I broke up with Mike. 2) When the doctors were concerned that I might be dying and gently told us to get my affairs in order just in case. But on the midst of the most emotionally painful day of my adult life and scariest moment of my adult life, God showed up in the biggest ways. 

 

From physically picking me up off the floor and rocking me back and forth when I literally had nothing and no one, to using the His strength and faithfulness through me to be a light amid “the valley of the shadow of death.” Greater Purpose. Because of Christ our weakness is strength! Daily I see the evidence of His greater purpose. He created all things and is in all things. “Matter can neither be created nor destroyed” because He is indestructible. 

 

I’ve always been drawn to found and mixed media art. I love to see how something abandon, broken, discarded can be designed, restored, repurposed. To me, that’s the best kind of workmanship and artistry. A representation and reflection of a Mighty God and Loving Father who takes our beautifully broken pieces and crafts a unique and purposeful masterpiece. Nothing is wasted. Nothing returns void. “For I know that my Redeemer lives!” And “piece by piece He collected me up off the ground where you abandon things.” (Thank you, Kelly Clarkson!)

 

Dear Heart, don’t hide your broken pieces from yourself or from your Father. Find a safe place where it’s ok to be broken and work through your brokenness. He loves you more than anyone could comprehend, and He has purpose in you through even the most painful of circumstances – particularly then! He may allow you to mourn, for longer than you’d like even, but there is love and purposefulness amid your suffering. Praise Him even when you don’t feel Him near. Lean into Him even if you feel distant. He is there. He never leaves you.

~

Holy Spirit, bring Your Fire from our bellies. Release the captives and expose our brokenness in Your timing. Send a community to surround us and to love us as we deal. You did not design us to be alone in our suffering, but to bear with one another. Love endures all things. Help us to love one another through our junk. Help us create an atmosphere where it’s okay not to be ok. Help us to see, Lord. Give us your heart. Let the walls come down. Let health be restored, hearts be mended, the broken remade. In Jesus’ precious name I pray, Amen.

LiveALIVE Today!

Cindy

22. 5 A’s on How to Stop Caring What Others Think

5 A’s that occurred to me along this journey to stop caring. I pray they will be helpful to you in some way. However, I’m gonna go ahead and say that, though I’ve made great progress, this is a lesson I’m still learning, and one that I may never fully achieve. That root runs deep deep deep. Deep enough that the person who was the source of the worst emotional abuse I endured even used to ask me why I care so much what others think.

🤔 Uh maybe because… oh, never mind, I may get to that in a later blog post.

But I seriously cannot be the only one. According to Myers Briggs my personality type makes up only 1% of the world’s population, but 1% of approximately 8 billion is 80 million people. Instead of feeling isolated by this assessment, I felt liberated! So what, I’m weird. I overthink, I feel things deeply, I get inspired by the most random things. I’m an old soul with a young heart. Too old for young people and too young for elder people. 🤪 Even my natural hair doesn’t know what color it is. For real, is it blonde? Is it brunette? Is it red, who knows?

Maybe there’s a reason I’m such an odd ball. God in His infinite power, love, and knowledge decided that I should live. Born of 2 very irresponsible and ill equipped high school students, bless their hearts. Subjected to a life of every type of abuse, neglect, and suffering. I’m still uncovering the impact that has had on the person I am today. There are a lot of things I don’t understand that come like breathing to most people. On the flip side, there are things that I understand that most people don’t seem to have a clue about.

I can be extra, annoying, long winded, difficult to understand, too perceptive for my own good in some cases, and completely oblivious in others. I’m awkwardly honest and unnervingly open. I’m aware there are lots of reasons why not everyone would like me or want to be my friend. There are days where I struggle to be my own friend for all those reasons and more.

The crux of this all is that until this year, I worked overtime to make myself someone that everyone could feel comfortable around, that everyone could feel they could depend on. “There’s good ol’ reliable.” Kindness is a Fruit of the Spirit, but kindness and overly accommodating are easily confused. Seriously though, even Jesus wasn’t “nice” to everyone all the time and yet He did not sin.

How many times does He call someone a name? Brood of Vipers, Hypocrite, Ye of Little Faith … always with justified reason, but a fact that I very much liked to ignore. It wasn’t until college it truly sank in He fashioned a whip of cords and threw a Holy fit in the temple.

That’s where I’m known for saying, “There’s a time to turn the other cheek and there’s a time to turn over tables.”

So I learned that it was ok to be upset and have negative feelings, learning to be careful and selective about how and when I choose to express them. I wasn’t allowed to growing up. But still I cared waaaaaaayyyyy too much and allowed the way others viewed me to be a Horcrux of my worth. But we cannot control how people think and feel toward us. There’s a quote I’ve seen that even says, “What people think about you is none of your business.” 😳🤔 As hard as that pill is to swallow, it’s true. At least I’m beginning to think so.

This year, though, I’ve cracked. As hard as I worked and as much as I tried, people will ALWAYS find a bone to pick. It really hit a head when I was having a conversation with an elder and was told that my discipline and intentionality behind a certain goal put even those far ahead of me to shame. Here I thought I was doing everything I could just to keep up with all of them.

I think part of becoming an adult is realizing that those we view as “adultier adults” are just as broken as we are, and the measuring line of maturity is more like illegible cursive.

So I snapped. Internally. I have been positioning myself for failure, striving toward something unattainable. My measuring stick of personal progress has been 1) in my head based on putting others on pedestals and 2) standards established yet not enforced or upheld by the community therein. So what have a I really been accomplishing? I’ve worked so diligently for what?

Maybe that’s not the best attitude or maybe it is. I’m tired of chasing perfection. I’m tired of caring SOOO much. I believe God is using this word, Less, for 2019, to throw out the rule book. I just want to cut all the crap to truly start digging through all the crap and build true intimacy with Jesus. Beth Moore in John: 90 Days with the Beloved Disciple writes, “Let me warm you. Intimacy with Christ doesn’t always feel warm and fuzzy,” in Day 22, Diving in the Deep End, which I read this morning. Wow, what a confirmation! Thank You, Lord!

Here We Are! This is how I’ve come to stop caring (at least not care as much) what others think in 5 A’s.

1) Aware. People, no matter how high above you you think they are, are immature by nature. We all are. Not one of us is fully mature until God says it’s time to go Home and even then, we shall see if we don’t still have more growing to do. (Simply a speculation.) Being aware that people are on different wave lengths of maturity at all ages and in all positions. It’s all illegible cursive.

2) Awaken. God Himself being The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit is the only constant. We hear it, we read it, but are we awake to this truth? He created all things and is in all things. He formed every detail of me and what He thinks is the only opinion that matters.

Wake up call! Trying to be who others say I should be, even at church, is not the same as being who God says I am. We’re not always going to understand one another. Only He has walked with us every second of every day of our lives. We are perpetually being molded. Only He can truly understand us.

3) Accept. Get comfortable knowing you could be the best representation of the The Fruit of The Spirit and people will still dislike you. (Not saying I was or am by any means.) In fact, the closer your walk with The Lord, the more people will scoff. That thought might scare you, but I promise it’s worth the risk!!! Yes even in the church. I love my church, but we’re not perfect because people aren’t perfect.

The body of Christ as a whole needs to stop pretending that we are. Christ is perfect yes, but in all honor to Him, that’s not the point. Perfection isn’t the point. It’s tough to accept, but what we view as perfect isn’t it at all. Let’s get real, we can’t connect with anyone from a high horse.

(Caption: in the past, I would not have admitted to not knowing something simple like that for fear people would think I’m stupid. I also wouldn’t have put something that goofy on social media because if no one though it was funny, it would detract points from my value. And especially not with a busted eyeball! Lol!)

4) Acknowledge. What we have taught ourselves about Holiness, in general, is wrong. And I’m still trying to understand that myself. I’ve buried a lot of things and hesitated far more than I may realize trying to pursue what I thought and what I was told about Holiness. I believe we’ve all got it wrong on some level.

The simplest way I can put it is like this: we have taught ourselves, just like the Pharisees of The Bible, that certain things are what Holiness is, like the act of reading our Bibles and reciting our prayers, keeping drums out of worship.

And we’ve taught ourselves that other things are unholy like using a secular movie that we’ve all watched and enjoy to share a message and have fun at church. We must acknowledge our limited understanding and that somethings may just be different from what we think or feel, but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. (That is not a license to consciously do things you know are not honoring God for the sake of anti-legalism. Lord help us, we’re all guilty of that.)

I love this quippy saying: Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

5) Acquire. Surround yourself with a support system who sees you and treats you as a whole person. God’s word says Iron Sharpens Iron, not Iron Sharpens Aluminum. As messy as community is, God made us for it. Even the most introverted person needs support. What does it look like not to be treated as a whole person? When your relationship with someone feels transactional or one sided, those are good indicators. If you are consistently criticized or judged or made to feel like you have to work to be worthy, those are good indicators.

This street goes both ways, be conscious of how you’re interacting with others as well. Though in some respects likemindedness is an important part of community, we also need to acquire relationships that spur us on and challenge us in healthy ways.

My friend Linda took this picture. Several years ago my confidence was in such a non-existent place that I wouldn’t have dared attempt a carnival game on the side of the road for fear that people watching would think less of my for stinking at it.

Wrapping Up

I think of the sweet, broken woman and her alabaster box, washing the feet of Jesus with her hair during a party she hadn’t exactly been invited to. Did she care what people thought?

I think of the story I was told about a hitch hiker that goes around the world with just the clothes on his back and a small backpack sharing The Gospel as he goes. Does he care?

Or what about Jesus on The Cross. Enduring all shame for us, having been blameless. If He had cared more about what the zealots and rioters thought of Him, He wouldn’t have gotten on that Cross. He wouldn’t have endured His flesh being lashed from His bones. He wouldn’t have accepted the crown of thorns.

YHWH, I can barely write this. Forgive us all, thank You for all that You endured at the hands of hatred, of pure evil, so that we may chose to live in You forever. Listen, we didn’t earn that grace, but because of it we don’t have to carry shame. He took it all. If we carry it now it’s an option we need to learn how to put down. Thank you, Jesus, You set me free! You continue to set me free. Set us free.

This is how we stop caring: We love The Lord our God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. Or at least we allow Him to move us closer to that place of With All. As it is a process. Loving Him means loving His creation. We remember what He did for us, what He endured beyond recognition for us all. And yet we reject Him. We doubt Him. We question His love. We forge our own path, though we are warned that The Way is narrow. No opinion or decision or person could ever hold a candle to the weight of your worth in Him and His truth in you.

LiveALIVE, Today!

Cindy

10. Ride or Die: Who’s There to Hold Your Arms?

“And so it was, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed; and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands became heavy; so they took a stone and put it under him, and he sat on it. And Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. So Joshua defeated Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword.” Exodus 17:11-13

Even the strongest among us need support. Community takes vulnerability, and not every community is a good fit. Who is your Ride or Die Community? How do you find it?

God, I praise you for your design of community. The growth that takes place, the beautiful relationships formed, even the trying ones. You work through your people for your people. Marvelous are your works! Thank you for this day and these lessons. Rain down your favor and wisdom on us. Glorify your name through our heart for each other.

It all started when…

I learned at an inappropriately early age that I couldn’t trust or depend on others. Not only did I have to do everything for myself and by myself, but I had to take care of everyone else, too. That was my purpose. “Suck it up buttercup. Even your basic needs don’t matter, only what you can do and be for others.”

I wasn’t allowed to have feelings. When I was happy, I was annoying. When I was stressed, I didn’t have the right to be. When I was sad, I was weak. When I was mad, I was wrong. When I was lonely, I was a burden. When I needed something, I was selfish. That kind of raising does not produce an individual that makes friends easily, trusts in a healthy way, or even understands who she is.

It has taken decades to unravel these tattered and marred threads to expose the fresh fibers of truth and need beneath. But The Lord my God is faithful! Friends and mentors have walked in and out of my life. People I took a risk to trust have mistreated and misrepresented me. Continuing to add to the lie that something’s wrong with me and I need to keep myself at a distance.

Oh, how easy life would be if it could truly be just me and Jesus! But that’s not the way He designed us to live life. He has carried me all the way to this point. Til I was ready for this next step. I love people and love them deeply. But how do I let them love me back? How do I know they love me for the right reasons? How do I avoid being a burden? How do I ensure they won’t leave? How do I earn their love?

These were the questions buried within and these were the people I typically befriended. Then one day, a little over 6 years ago, God guided my husband and I to a decision: to begin this journey as a Mary Kay Business Owner. It took me years and a few heartbreaks, but I finally realized where my tribe is. It was right there the whole time. I wasn’t ready to see it. To trust it.

Slowly, the walls have come down. Slowly, I’ve gotten to know these women and allowed them to know me. I’ve been through tremendous highs and lowspf life since starting my business. And what happens when I’m on a peak or in a valley amongst my MK family felt different than in other circles and relationships.

A Stark Contrast

I am forever grateful for everyone who has been present in a time of need and supported me in a time of celebration. This isn’t to take anything away from friends and family outside MK. God lovingly uses this particular community to teach me about healthy relationship. I’ve continually noticed a contrast in behavior.

One such time, I had invited a friend to an event. She had a tendency to take her frustrations out on me. I had a mentor tell me that I needed to allow it because I was her safe place. Well, at this event my friend said things that were rude and disrespectful to me in front of my MK sisters and it felt blatantly out of place.

She said stuff like that to me all the time, but in that environment, it truly felt wrong. None of the women I had befriended through MK would speak to me that way, no matter what mood they were in. I was very aware in that moment that they were startled and confused by her treatment of me.

It was after that night another mentor in my life sat me down and lovingly and gently advocated for me. The way my friend treated me was not ok. It was the first time someone in my life who cared about me looked me in the eye and told me that the way I allowed myself to be treated, and the way others had treated me, was not ok.

It felt amazing to hear! I wasn’t crazy after all! Something was wrong, and it wasn’t me. I wasn’t used to being treated well by many people, so it was like learning a foreign language. What do you mean friends aren’t supposed to insult each other publicly or otherwise? Then I realized that I never spoke to my friend that way; and if I ever dared, there would be consequences.

Even well into my 20s I still carried my own weighty burdens as well as weight for those around me. When a burden is shared, it shouldn’t feel as heavy, but taking on the burdens of others gets heavy quickly. That’s not true community.

“When all we can do is all we can do, all we can do is enough.”

Ashley Teeters, Grand Achieving Independent Sales Director, Mary Kay

Ashley taught me how to share in someone’s struggle without taking the full weight of it on. We disempower others and weary ourselves. There have been many many times where I have needed someone to hold my arms up. It’s one of the most difficult things for me to admit and ask for when I need it. Ashley has never made me feel like I owed her for her support. Nor has she resented me for needing her help. She pushes me to know what I can do on my own and supports me when I find my limit.

As do the rest of my MK sisters. It wasn’t just one or 2 special people who treated me with love, kindness, and respect as was what I became used to, it was all of them. Before long, their love won out and I began to truly love myself for who God created me to be.

L-R: Angela, Bethany, Ashley, Me, Rachael. My tribe.

Ride or Die in Pink

This is the Mary Kay way. We love others from a healthy place. Not depending on them for our value. We hold each other up in times where we can’t hold ourselves. We don’t allow each other to spiral into stinking thinking and negative self talk. We problem solve with one another to the degree we are invited to. We have grown to know each other and recognize when things aren’t so great. Because life isn’t all rainbows, as joyful as we are.

I’m the queen of “fake it till you make it.” It is rare that you will ever know just how tired I am or how much pain I’m experiencing at any given moment. In the beginning, I never spoke about my health issues. 1) Because it’s my problem. 2) Pridefully & stubbornly, I had to prove that I can do anything & everything on my own. 3) I do my best to push it out of my mind and focus on the task at hand.

So it startled me after a while, when I was poker-facing on the outside but feeling terrible on the inside, they began to ask how I was feeling or just offer to lend a hand. Of course at first my response was, “I’m fine, I got it.” And they respected that and gave me my space. As I began to know them and trust them, I began allowing them to help.

Anything they needed, I would be there in a heartbeat, but to tell them if I needed something, could I risk it? It’s been a process, but yes! And it was worth the risk. They didn’t force me into accepting their help, nor guilt me when I resisted. This gave me space to build a solid and healthy trust in them.

These women have loved me unconditionally, taken the time to get to know and understand me, encouraged the best in me, inspired me to chase my dreams, helped me figure out who I am! I had to be willing to let them. I had to let my guard down, swallow my pride and … learn to be vulnerable … I’m not perfect and praise Jesus, for the first time I feel like perfection is not what’s expected!

Anytime before, I felt like I had to be so careful, and people around me were quick to criticize and ridicule any sign of weakness or imperfection. That’s not the heart of The Lord. Not the heart of Mary Kay. It takes commitment and patience. A willingness to address the deeper parts of you and grow, and those of us who are in this for the long run are Ride or Die for each other. It’s the most natural thing.

It starts first from within yourself and your walk with God, and flows from His love for you and into loving others. So when a battle is raging and one of us grows weary, we are there to lift her up physically, emotionally, spiritually. This is community. Community helps us carry on. Helps us finish the race.

Where they at?

Finding your tribe may take time, but don’t give up. Be grateful for those you find along the way. It’s not wrong to question the motives of those around you. Not wrong to be cautious when getting to know someone. We are called to guard our hearts. Some people may not be there for the reasons you hope or think. And that’s OK.

You love them anyway, but you can also decide how much influence you allow them to have. Pray for guidance and wisdom and true, Christ-like love. Some people may have been in your corner the whole time and you weren’t able to see them. Pray and seek for a chance to be a better friend.

Here are a few questions to ask of yourself, and to yourself about those around you:

1) Are you friends because they want something from you? Do you want something from them?

2) When you’re with them, do you feel encouraged and uplifted?

3) Do they inspire you and challenge you to go for your goals and dreams? Or do they criticize and cut down?

4) Are they truly there when the rubber meets the road? (I’ve had friends help care for me in times of great need and turned out there were ulterior motives. Are they truly a safe harbor, even when there’s nothing in it for them? Do they expect something in return for things they do for you?)

5) Are they honest with you even when it’s challenging?

6) Do they keep you isolated from their other friends or have problems with your other friends?

7) Are they responsible? Do they share your beliefs and morals? (This is not to say that we’re only around those who think and act like we do. That’s not right or righteous, but it does change how much influence we allow them to have.)

8) How well do they treat others? (Flattery is a good indicator that something isn’t right. If they treat you better than they treat others, be mindful. OR If they’re kinder to others than to you …)

9) Is their core personality consistent or do they change who they are depending on who they’re with? Do they come and go when it’s convenient?

10) Do you treat each other with mutual kindness and respect? Or do they complain, nothing ever seeming good enough? (I’ve been a good friend to people who claim to love me very much, yet who can be very unkind toward me and have shown that they do not respect me.)

What to do now? Seek wisdom! Pray for your friends. And remember to “Remove your plank before their speck.” (New Cindy Translation – Abridged) We can believe and see the best in others and still recognized their faults. People are messy. You’re a people. You’re messy, too. If you’re realizing that you haven’t found the right tribe, there’s hope. Trust God. If you are surrounded and feel like you have no one to hold your arms up, God is with you, and you WILL NOT FALL. He will provide. He will send a tribe your way. Allow Him to prepare you to receive.

LiveALIVE Today,

Cindy

P.S. Ashley, thank you for holding my arms up long before I ever realized you were. For championing not only me but the dozens of other women you lead. God has gifted you with wisdom and kindness beyond your years. There are no words for how truly grateful I am for you: my mentor, my friend, my sister. Here’s to what’s next, in the name of Jesus!