39. Cleaning Out the Closet: It’s Always Darkest Before the Dawn

What do Florence + The Machine, a closet, and a Greek myth have in common? Rejoicing, and again being super vulnerable, prayers have been given answers, new steps forward being taken! Will you rejoice with me? There is hope! There is light at the end of the tunnel even if we can’t see it! If you’ve bared with me through the pain and sorrow I’ve shared through these posts – as I’ve opened up the closet of trauma and started cleaning it out – I invite you now to share in the joy of some dots that have been connected and the answer to prayers from the past 7 years of waiting!! 🙌🎉😄🙏🧎‍♀️

“𝓦𝓱𝓮𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓭𝔂…“

🏳️🏳️🏳️

This may come as no surprise to anyone else, and that’s totally ok, but the reality has finally truly sunk in for me and I feel freer than ever!

My therapist even thought we were on the same page about this, but I guess I wasn’t ready to fully accept it. A few weeks back I shared a quote that said, “I found healing when I told my ego to sit in a corner while I asked my wounds some important questions.” (Paraphrased from @hergrowthgame) Well I’ve been doing that a ton lately, and God is gently peeling away the layers of trauma, cleaning the wounds, and redressing them.

I didn’t realize it before but I had been doctoring my wounds myself trying to prove to the universe that I’m alright, I’m capable, I’m adequate. Instead I’ve just been running from it all pretending it’s not there. And perpetually running into situations which cause me to feel unsafe, incapable, and inadequate.

From “Shake It Out” – Florence + The Machine. Source: Pinterest

The closer I’m getting to the root of the issue it feels like the bigger my world is getting and smaller at the same time. Like things are coming into alignment. “So here I stand in the light of day.” Finally recognizing and accepting that I have #ptsd. (Shocker!)

“Well, duh, Cindy. Who having survived 18 years of childhood trauma, neglect, abandonment, and being trafficked wouldn’t have a smidge?!” Well, friend, until a couple of years ago I truly believed that healing looked like leaning nonchalantly on my closet door to hold it closed just in case any monsters got loose and never looking at it again. And maybe I needed that for a time, but to truly get passed it I realize now I have to sort through it. And while God’s been helping me get organized, He’s shown me a few unexpected things along the way.

But I had to be willing to open the door, look inside, and take everything out. In this closet. It’s not a matter of what sparks joy. I can’t throw away the past like a bad purchase and pretend it didn’t happen. It’s a part of me. But I can reorganize it. I can throw out the lies I’ve believed because of it. I can move forward. The truth that I have ptsd, a few years ago would have really bothered me. Now, it solves a mystery.

From “Shake It Out” – Florence + The Machine. Source: Pinterest

I have been SO unbelievable hard on myself. I have been walking around with heaps and heaps of fear and anxiety boiling below the surface. Finding fault with myself at every turn. Like the only way I know how to function is to examine every move I make for perfection. But that’s a lose-lose situation akin to that of Sisyphus. Desperately rolling that boulder up a peak, but getting ran over by said boulder on its way back down and then starting all over.

“Wow, that sounds exhausting!” Yep. It is. I didn’t realize I was running from my issues. I know that by His stripes, I am healed! Anything asked in His name will be given and He wants His children to live from victory. So I assumed that because I believed and because I had asked that it was so. I’ve watch so many people waste their lives clinging to their victimhood. I did not want to follow suit.

But the more time has past, the more it has caught up with me. It is tough. It is ugly. I hate it. It’s annoying. Yes, and I am grateful. So many times I’ve tried to live out to the expectations (expressed or otherwise) of others and of myself. But there’s no possible way to please everyone. And I’ve been susceptible to toxic relationships as a result which further chip away at my self esteem.

Growing up being treated like everything about you is wrong. Like it’s my fault so and so is my dad and such and such is my mom, both families criticizing me for my similarities to the other. My tomboy-ness wasn’t ladylike. My girly-ness was then considered too prissy. My smartness was encouraged and then resented. The creativity and distractedness that comes with the smartness was ridiculed.

Imagine living with parents who’s main source of entertainment was seeing how upset they could make you and then punishing you for it. At my core I knew that it was wrong, but then circumstances in adult life almost reinforced that pattern. I wasn’t equipped to recognize them.

From “Shake It Out” – Florence + The Machine. Source: Pinterest

I easily go into this mode where I feel like I have to work really hard just to be good enough to be in the space of others, and anytime I let my guard down a wave of shame washes over me that tells me I shouldn’t have because I’m annoying or dumb, and people who care about me right now are going to see how screwed up and weird I am and decide they don’t want to be around me anymore. It’s all a lie, yes, but given a lifetime of this pattern, it’s not hard to see why it’s all believable.

This trip into my passed and how it’s affecting me today is the most grueling experience at times. Since I’ve been on this journey, Somedays I’m paralyzed by my grief and get so down I don’t see a way out. I cry out to God to remove all of it, and He lovingly whispers, “In order to get out, you must go through. I am with you every step. I will never leave you.”

When you’re cleaning out a closet, proverbial or otherwise, it will look worse before it gets better. Recognizing that I’m on the spectrum of post traumatic stress disorder was a huge relief. I’m not “crazy” after all, there is something wrong. Sometimes it’s good to be able to name the thing. Like when tree limbs are casting a scary shadow outside your window. You get up the nerve to look out and face the creepy. Then you feel relief and slight humor that it was only the trees.

It explains a lot:

~ Issues with my short term memory and attention span (or lack thereof), Dyslexic traits.

~ Why I sometimes seem to handle really difficult things too well, and really simply things not well at all.

~ Difficulty preforming basic tasks and instinctually avoiding seemingly random things.

~ Overthinking and people pleasing compulsions.

~ Need for Overachieving and perfectionism.

~ Tendency to talk too much and over share when I’m stressed or anxious or impassioned.

~ The brain fog, the chronic pain and fatigue.

~ And a new one now as I’m processing and working on not burying my negative emotions, I’ve experienced a few moods swings and bursts of anger. Getting angry reminds me of my father so I avoid it at all costs. But honestly it feels good to express my anger in healthy ways. Sometimes where the anger comes from is clear. Other times I have no idea. I try to be mindful and prayerful through it and I’m met with peace.

Every single thing I’ve struggled with in my health and emotions can really be summed up in these 4 letters. (Aside from allergies I think.) I am rejoicing. It may be weird but many incredible people have prayed and fasted with me for answers. God waited to provide until I was ready to receive.

To be honest, I just want to get this journey over with and move on, because somedays it’s just awful. But if I shove it all back into the closet, I’ll be right back where I started. Doomed to roll that boulder up the hill and get squashed again. No turning back. I must go through to get out, even if it gets messier as I go.

From “Shake It Out” – Florence + The Machine. Source: Pinterest

If this testimony reminds you of yourself or someone you know, I hope you feel seen and understood. The answers may take years, but hang in there. They will come. I’ve received so much judgement and condemnation from others along this journey. Being accused of having sin or disobedience in my life that’s prevented healing, not having enough faith to take up my mat and walk, not being spiritual or religious enough to be worthy of healing.

Accused of being weak, not being able to let go , I was even tempted to give into the lie that maybe healing wasn’t coming because I don’t truly know Jesus. It make sense, The Bible talks about that very thing in fact. But when I brought all of those things before The Throne, He reaffirmed me that He will heal me, is healing me, but it’s not what I expect. It’s been 7 years since I surrendered my healing to God.

And He has answered. Blood tests showed nothing wrong because there is nothing wrong with my blood. At times I believed I had lupus or a number other autoimmune diseases. And yes I do struggle with autoimmune symptoms. That is because of trauma. Emotional as well as physical trauma damage the body. More than especially when continually experienced since birth. I have danced at this truth unfolding! He has promised me answers, promised me healing, and He is faithful.

Everyone’s journey is unique and I’m sure those people who spoke such things over me had the best intentions. I don’t hold anything against them at all. But for sure those things were hard to process as I explored the possibility of each one and was always brought back to the same conclusion. “Trust in Me. Hang in there. Keep going.”

LiveALIVE Today,

Cindy

Create in me a pure heart oh God! Renew a steadfast spirit within me as You continue the new work You are doing in me. Your Word encourages us to be strong and courageous. Help me to be just that to a higher level. Thank You for allowing me to see just how strong and courageous You have already allowed me to be. Forgive me for being so hard on myself and thank You for teaching me grace for myself. Use me to inspire the same courage and strength in others. Not for my name but to make high The Name of Jesus. Use me for Your purpose and help me not to be afraid of Your power manifesting in and around me. You are Holy. You are Awesome! You are the Love and the Light of my life. Forgive me for putting anything in front of You and for being wise in my own opinion. Your correction is gentle and beautiful. You are a good, kind, faithful, loving Father. Thank You for calling me Worthy of such a gift. In Jesus name, thank You for bringing healing to those who read this. Let Your favor pour out! Amen!